Day 25a

Weight: 140.6
Overnight: -0.8
Overall: -38.4

B: none
L:
D:


Finally! Still not going to inject today. But maybe I won't cheat. I was sorta planning to. Today is Angela's birthday and she is really in need of some cheering up. I'd planned to get some of her fav comfort foods - Spring Creek bread, Chili's lava choc cake, etc. And if I happened to try some...
Well, not anymore. I didn't cheat for my birthday. It'd be lame to cheat for someone else's! And I really, really want to get to the 30s. But I also can't stay on this forever. It is really hurting my kids that I don't make meals for them. Mark steps up sometimes, but not enough. And it's just too hard to make meals I can't eat every single night.

So on a more personal note ---
(and yes, this will probably be TMI for anyone reading!)
one of the reasons I originally was desperate to lose weight was to try to get my husband's attention - sexually. I know, I know - if he's not interested it wasn't because of me or my weight. At least, there were other factors in play. But it's hard to feel sexy and seductive when you hate your body AND you're getting ignored. Throw in pre-existing self-esteem issues and depression and you've got yourself one down lady.
So did I really think losing weight was the answer? Yes and no. No, it's not going to fix problems with Mark. In fact, if it did it would probably make me mad. But yes in the regard that me feeling better about myself enables me to be proactive about problems. And when other guys check me out I get the validation I haven't been getting from my husband. And finally, I feel like Mark has something to be jealous about.
I used to wear my wedding ring whenever I left the house (I take it off at home a lot because it's tight). But I would ALWAYS wear it out of the house because I wanted people to know that even if I was a big fat mess I was still "wanted" - or at least had been at one point - because I was married and therefore claimed. Pathetic, I know. But really, that was where I was. BTW, Mark never wears his wedding ring. He can't at work for safety issues, but hasn't otherwise for the last 6.5 years. (We've been married 7.5)
Anyway, I finally feel like I could go out ring-less and feel just as confident walking around the store as I did with my rock on. Obviously this involves a whole lot more issues than just weight, but the point right now is that I am feeling so much better about myself. I am sooooo grateful for that. This really has restored a lot of self-confidence. And you know what? I do have self-control. I've been eating 500 calories/day for over 60 days now. That's hard. That takes control. It takes a lot of discipline and requires a lot of mental work. Maybe I am stronger than I give myself credit. So the point of all this --
last night I put on a slinky nightie w/ black lace panties from my early married days. Mind you, when I got married I don't know how much I weighed, but it had to be in the low 120s. I lost a lot right before my wedding and I looked awesome. Of course, I immediately put it back on plus some with the ensuing stress. But that's a different story.
ANYWAY... they fit. Snugly. And they were some of my bigger stuff, but they fit. I was amazed. And I felt sexy. And it was for me. Not Mark.
I think I've turned a corner.