Blasted

Man! Did it again. I over-ate. Not like I'm eating horrible junk - I'm just still eating too much. I eat until I hurt, and even then I still want to eat more!
Ah! How do I temper this? I like food. I really, really like food. And I'm totally getting the munchies. And I can't wait to start eating carbs again. Did I fail on this? Is my hypothalamus still out of whack? Or am I causing it to stay out of whack? I hate the idea that I may be sabotaging my success. Wouldn't be the first time.

M7

LIW: 138.2
Weight: 139.0
Overnight: 0.0/+0.6


Well that's good. Last night, which was actually early this morning, I had a pretty hefty meal. Of course, I didn't eat all that much during the day, so I figured it'd be okay. Interesting - I ate a salad yesterday. A LOT of salad. You know those Fresh Express bags of Caesar Salad? Yup. Minus the croutons I ate the entire thing. All by myself. Whole thing. Of course, I wasn't able to eat for quite a while after that. And then I ended up spending a good deal of my day in the bathroom. Something I don't quite understand - before the diet (and now I guess after as well) when I'd eat a lot of salad I'd need to stay close to the potty. During the diet that wasn't the case. At all. And I was eating salads almost the entire 1st half. And now I'm back to like it was before. Weird.

M6

LIW: 138.2
Weight: 139.0/138.4
Overnight: +1.4/+0.8


Ummm, again, confusing. Once again a shower rinses off more than odor! So I don't know what is really accurate, but I don't really care. I was prepared for another steak day today. Not because I cheated or anything. Just, last night I ate too much. It was only soup and salad, but I still ate too much. I could feel it. I really want to be careful and watch it with that. I don't want to lose that sensitivity from my body when I've had enough. Honestly, I have to re-train myself. It's crazy. But I also need to do this for my kids' sake as well. I don't want them to have to go through this when they're older!

M5

LIW: 138.2
Weight: 137.6
Overnight: -0.2


Uhhhh.... don't know how that happened. Seriously. Yesterday I didn't eat a whole lot, because I knew I was taking Mark out for his birthday. And I hadn't really decided whether or not I was going to cheat... until I looked at the menu! I was still really good - didn't eat breading, didn't overeat, but then I had dessert. Chocolate PB pie. And some of Mark's Vanilla bean cheesecake. "Some" being maybe 1/3? hehe.
Anyway, I even made a trip to the market afterwards to buy steak in preparation for my inevitable steak day, and possibly 2 steak days.
And yet I went down? This diet is so confusing. Anyway, I still intend to repent and be good. But yeah, that was weird.

M4

LIW: 138.2
Weight: 137.8
Overnight: -0.4


Well, that's good. Going down. I checked my calories yesterday and I had indeed done better - even after consuming 4 servings of the SF/FF choc pudding again! This time I was just smarter in my spreading meals out so I wasn't stuffing myself. Tried listening to my stomach instead of my tongue. I realized I really have a problem with wanting to finish what's on my plate/bowl/etc. If it's there, I feel like I should be able to eat it. Starting to think maybe we should invest in smaller dishes. I mean, our 11" dinner plates really don't encourage smaller portions. Actually, I went to a child nutrition seminar once where they talked about this very thing. They were saying the daily amount of juice kids should drink is 6 oz, yet we give them 16 oz tumblers. Of course they're going to feel cheated if we don't fill it up. And going back to Mary's mom's motto: presentation is everything.
Hmmm, maybe I need to visit Ikea? :)

Pix

Okay, because I've been feeling down I figured it was time for another quick pic-me-up.










Whoa. I feel better. You?

M3

LIW: 138.2
Weight: 138.2
Overnight: -1.4


Okay, was I supposed to lose the 2.2 lbs? or just drop to my LIW? Don't get me wrong - I'm glad I at least dropped! Especially after how crappy I felt last night. ... But I thought I'd lose the 2+ I had gained. :(
So I'm also confused on calories. Now I know why I've never bothered counting them before - it's too dang difficult! First I listed everything I'd eaten. Then I looked at serving sizes & calories on the packages and added them up. But some things didn't have that on the package. So I went online and found a calorie-counting tracker thingy. I put everything in, but suddenly my calories were WAY higher than what I'd calculated. I was still surprised at the 2.2 gain, but still. So which one do I go with? Aargh. And I didn't even eat junk. The worst was the choc. pudding, and that was SF and FF! Good grief! I'm really discouraged to think about how little "real" food I should eat when all this is over. Heavens! No wonder I was overweight!

M2

LIW: 138.2
Weight: 139.6
Overnight: +2.2 (!!)


Oops.
Oops.
Double oops.
Apparently I kinda sorta maybe a little bit over-did it yesterday... I guess.
Oops.
I started out doing so well. My downfall was that stinkin' pudding! I made some of that FF/SF choc pudding with the intent of eating it after dinner. Thing is, I was already full from dinner. But I just had it in my head that I was going to get to eat my pudding. And then I thought it would be yummier w/ a banana sliced into it. And then I decided I couldn't get enough. Even though my stomach was literally HURTING the whole time. So stupid.

-

Okay, so the upside of this is that I get to eat a huge steak tonight. Downside is that I'm STARVING in the meantime! Blast!

-

Sooooooo, the paper said to eat a "huge" steak. I took it at it's word. Huge. Now I feel bloated and yucky and awful.
If I go up tomorrow...

M1

LIW: 138.2
Weight: 137.2
Overnight: +1.0


Well, I figured it was some kind of fluke yesterday! Nice though. But I'm okay with the gain. Somehow I don't actually think it will last. Yesterday I didn't really eat until dinner, and then I over-did it. And I felt it. I don't want to do that again. Even this morning - it didn't take much at all for me to feel full. Stuffed, really. So I'm going to be careful not to do that.
However,
I have read (from Pounds & Inches) that this is not the time to try to skimp on calories. Right now is when my body is establishing my metabolism - how many calories to burn per day. If I skimp right now I'll be setting my "burn rate" pretty low. Then if I don't keep it low I'll gain. On the other hand, if I am reasonable, as long as I don't go over the 2 lbs, then I'll be establishing a calorie/day that I can continue and live with -- my best chance to keep this weight off.

BTW, I'm taking a cue from Marilyn and not listing my food - on here anyway. I think that would be too mean to anyone on protocol. But I am going to try really hard to keep track of calories. Not sure yet how I'll manage that. We'll see.

B-Ki

Just got back from B-Ki. They gave me an appt even without scheduling. Gotta say, the ladies there are really nice. I really like Heather. She's been on the diet - about the same schedule I was on. She was really helpful and really encouraging.
Anyway, final tally for inches lost is 64.5"!! Of course, that's cumulative -- measuring in 13 different areas: neck, arm, axilla, rib cage, above belly-button, below bb, hips, butt, upper thigh, mid thigh, knee, calf, & ankle.
So to be more accurate, I asked them for a copy of the measurement page. Here are the results:

Area/Before/After:

Neck: 14.5 - 12.5
Arm: 14.5 - 10.5
Axilla: 39 - 33.5
Rib Cage: 35 - 30.5
Above BB: 40 - 30
Below BB: 43 - 39.5
At BB: 41 - 32
Hips: 47 - 41.5
Butt: 43.5 - 41.5
Upper Thigh: 28 - 22.5
Mid Thigh: 23 - 19
Knee: 20 - 14.5
Calf: 16 - 13.5
Ankle: 9.5 - 8

Total lost 64.5"!!

I will have to post my pre- and post- swimsuit pics soon. Maybe I should go tanning first? :)

Day 36a

Weight: 136.4
Overnight: -1.8
Overall: -42.6

B: none
L: apple
S: dried apple bites
D: grilled chicken (more than 100g, but I don't know how much), cooked broccoli (more than a cup, not sure how much)
*had 6 Xocai today


Uhhh, don't know where that came from!! But I'll sure take it!
Last day of protocol. Yay! And soooo grateful to go down on the last day. Almost makes me want to reconsider going a little longer? ...haha, almost. Going to try to get in at B-Ki today. I'm not even going to call - I'll just pop in. Every time I've been there they're not doing anything, so hey, might as well!
Really, really grateful for all the support and encouragement I've received. I honestly don't think this is a diet/journey that can or should be accomplished on your own. It's too hard. There's too much emotional baggage that goes along with it. I'm almost glad I didn't know that when I started -- I might have been too chicken to start. And regardless of what happens now, I'm really glad I did this. Almost 43 lbs! Actually, more than that - I know on here I start from 179, but really I was up to 181 a couple days before.
That said...
I'm excited to start maintenance tomorrow! Hooray! I miss CHEESE!

Day 35a

Weight: 138.2
Overnight: -0.2
Overall: 40.8

B: none
L: apple, grilled chicken bits
S: apple
D: apple
*had 6 Xocai today


Glad I went down, even just a little bit. Felt like last night I overly stuffed myself. Did not feel good at all. Still have anxiety about ending the diet - whether or not I can keep the weight off -, but I am too burned out to continue. Tomorrow hopefully I'll be able to get an impromptu appt with B-Ki.
Just got home from an OA (overeaters anonymous) meeting. They're always good. I'm just always terrified that I need to be there - like, on a more permanent basis - actually do the program: get a sponsor, practice the abstinence, eat the menu given, etc. And I don't know if I can do it. But I don't want to be one of those people I hear at the meetings that spiraled so out of control before they found OA . I guess, I'm just really scared that this weight came off "easily" and so it'll go back on just as fast. How do I combat this?

Day 34a

Weight: 138.4
Overnight: +0.2
Overall: -40.6

B: none
L: grilled chicken bits,
S: apple
D:


Boo. I'm going to stick with yesterday's weigh-in of 138.2 so that today I didn't go up quite so much. How depressing! I can't imagine why I'm GAINING weight. I didn't even eat any Xocai yesterday. Didn't go over on my food.
...
I don't get it. And I'm super frustrated. And this morning I took my kids to an activity where I watched them frost, decorate & eat yummy cupcakes and it was killing me. And when I got home I checked my email and had a note of concern from a friend. As far as the numbers go, this 2nd half hasn't been nearly as productive as the 1st. And now I'm moving in the wrong direction. Maybe my body really is burned out. My mind sure is. I left this morning before I had a chance to inject -- running late (as always!). So maybe this is a good time to call it quits? Call yesterday my LIW (last injection weight), and count today as the first of the 3 days after the last injection?
The only problem is that I went UP! I really don't want to end going up. But I'm afraid I might keep going up? AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Day 33a

Weight: 137.8/138.2
Overnight: +0.2/+0.6
Overall: ...uh...not sure

B: none
L: apple, grilled chicken
D: grilled chicken, pickle
S: apple


So. Time to pay the piper, huh? I guess there's a reason you shouldn't eat more than the diet allows. As for the weird weigh-in -- I weighed early this morning, before I was really ready to wake up. I do this a lot - kind of a "preview." Then I go back to sleep and do my official weigh-in when I'm actually up for the day. The 2nd weigh-in is almost always less, if not the same. Until today. Not sure how I gained 0.4 lbs by sleeping in!! Then again, I've lost weight taking a shower before, so who knows?!
Lisa, Marilyn, thank you for your comments. I really appreciate the support. I am burned out, for sure. It's a battle every day not to talk myself out of quitting early. "Early" meaning I still have needles and hcg I could use and choose not to. For me, the hardest part of this diet is the family factor. I'm still making meals for my kids; still trying to make dinner for the fam. Trying being the operative word. My low energy and high desires for food has equaled complete disruption to our schedule. It has been really hard on our family. Doesn't help in the battle of "should I or should I not continue?"
As for having the runs, I'm tossing around a theory in the back of my mind about this being all the junk that I didn't get out during the colonic because of my weird issue. Now that I'm using the castor oil, that's supposedly helping the problem and now maybe it's all coming out? ??? I did a whole lot of internet researching last night on castor oil, and everywhere I could find, it said if you take the capsules frozen (as I am), it will not act as a diuretic. Hmmm. Also says you won't have the tell-tale stomach cramping -- which I haven't. So, again, who knows?
Regardless, I am still mystified as to how I could possibly GAIN weight when I "evacuated" so dang much yesterday.
But I think if I keep thinking about all this my head is likely to explode. So I'd better stop. ;)

Day 32a

Weight: 137.6
Overnight: -0.8
Overall: -41.4

B: none
S: apple
L: apple, grilled chicken
D: Heaven chicken, apple, Fresca, Xocai (3)
S: 1/2 apple, some dried apples


Didn't inject. Too late in the morning (I got a really late start). Oh well - that's just one day longer I can stretch this out! And I totally will seeing as I'm making progress! Almost a whole pound! That's fantastic! And I've been steadily losing for a few days in a row now! Although, I do have to wonder if it has a little something to do with the Xocai I'm taking. I shouldn't be eating it right now since it's not protocol-approved. It's dark chocolate that is fat-free, sugar-free and has so many health benefits it's crazy. It has an unbelievable/un-equalled amount of anti-oxidants, and my sister swears it's making her lose weight. BUT, her friend figures it probably prevented her from losing more weight when she was on this diet (I think this was the diet she was on - not positive). The facts are a little fuzzy. Anyway, 1 serving is 3 squares, which I've been eating for the last couple days. Yesterday, though, I ate 8! Whoops. I was just really munchy! And too lazy to cook my 2nd protein. In fact, the last few days I haven't had both my proteins. Wonder if THAT has anything to do with my losses?
Ah! Too many factors. I'll just be thankful and move on!

okay, I'm starving - mentally, physically, whatever. I don't know what it is, but I am just having such a major attack of the munchies - it's killing me! If I could just eat raw carrots I would, but I can't even do that. I've already gone over w/ my apples. Not happy to see how that will play out tomorrow morning. Although (WARNING: TMI), I have had the runs all day. ALL day. Starting to wonder if the caster oil is not such a good idea? Although, isn't it better to get it all out? Ach! Hate that I don't know everything!

Day 31a

Weight: 138.4
Overnight: -0.6
Overall: -40.6

B: apple
L: squash/zucchini & tomato saute, apple
D: grilled chicken, Fresca, apple


Yay! Went down! And after the potty-breaks I've been taking today, I'm fairly certain it will go down tomorrow as well! Sorry if that was TMI.
So it's funny the difference between how I feel in the morning as opposed to at night. Last night I was ready to throw in the towel; this morning I'm wishing I could stay on the diet another month! Good thing I inject in the morning and not at night!! I think by the end of the day, after making meals all day, I just want to eat so much. So I start wishing I hadn't injected so I could be that much closer to maintenance (you have to continue the protocol diet for 72 hrs after your last injection). By morning, things look different. Breakfast isn't a big deal for me to skip - I usually sleep through it anyway. And that's when I weigh-in, so, assuming there's progress, I'm pumped and excited about losing.
ANYWAY.

Day 30a

Weight: 139.0
Overnight: 0.0
Overall: -40.0

B: none
S: apple
L: "Tea Party" (w/ my daughters): cooked chicken bites, oven-roasted squash/zucchini, Fresca
D: squash/zucchini & tomato saute, apple, Xocai (I know, not a smart move, but I'm hungry!!)


Okay, it could have been worse. It could have gone up. And I was afraid it might since I used some no-no sprays of oil to cook my food last night. Not much, but then, it doesn't take much. Plus I ate some Xocai chocolate. No sugar, but extra calories - although I didn't eat my 2nd protein. I don't know. Anyway, I'm just glad it didn't go up. I feel bad. Like I'm wasting my opportunity to lose by not being more strict. But honestly, I've been on this diet almost 70 days and that's with only an 8 day maintenance break in there. So, I am kinda getting burned out on it. Plus I'm 10 days past what I "paid for," so anything more is just because I'm trying to get more mileage out of it. But then if I waste it... ?
I need to stop thinking about it.

*Okay, about the Tea Party - it was a hoot to begin with, but really it taught me a lesson. I pulled out the fancy tea set from Grandma and made up a super cute luncheon for the girls, had my food, and then we all ate together. I was amazed that by the time I was half-way through my veggies I was feeling full. Maybe 'cause I was taking longer? Serving more, but smaller portions? I don't know, but for whatever the reason, I think there was a lesson in there somewhere. Like Mary's mom always says, "Presentation is EVERYTHING!"

Day 29a

Weight: 139.0
Overnight: -1.0
Overall: -40.0

B: none
L: apple
D: chicken, squash/zucchini & tomato saute (all cooked with little sprays of pam)
S: apple


Back down. Good thing! I was worried that all those dried apples last night would have a bad effect. Mostly because I can't really judge how much I've eaten in comparison to a "medium-sized apple." Whew!
Forgot to inject this morning. Well, not so much forgot as slept in and had to rush out the door to get Andrea to school, then went marketing. By the time I got home it was way too late. Oh well. Wow, so I'm really lazy. I'd like to eat something, but I just don't want to fix it. I realized as I was at the store today that I'd reach for something, then think about the preservatives & junk in it and how I could avoid that by just making it from scratch. So I'd put it back. Problem is, I'm too lazy to make everything from scratch. Blast! Something I really need to change if I'm going to change our family eating habits.

Day 28a

Weight: 140.0
Overnight: +0.8
Overall: -39.0

B: none
L: dried apples, broccoli
D: grilled chicken, apple
S: dried apples


Boo! Lame to go up, but I'm not stressing. I was up this morning a lot earlier than normal (due to 9am church), so I'm chalking it up to an earlier weigh-in. And yes, I have noticed that it makes a difference.
Talked to my friend who started protocol today - yay! A suffering buddy! Haha, j/k. Sorta. It is a lot easier to do it, though, when you have someone else to commiserate with. And to share success with. Really, this blog has been my life-support-line for this whole diet. I highly recommend it to anyone hcg-ing.
In other news... oh wait, there is no other news! Although I did want to comment on our jaunt to the park last night. It was a potluck, and I figured (rightly) it would be easiest to just eat first instead of bring something. What could I even bring? Anyway, so we ate first. I figured the kids would just want to play anyway, which they did. GOOD THING! The food there was incredible! I was seriously amazed. And then someone showed up with pizza. Ah! But you know what? As I was looking past the pizza at the chocolate/cherry brownie cake & the homemade peach pie, for a split second I was about to grab a slice. Then I remembered I wasn't eating that. And in that same moment that I thought I'd mourn, I didn't. It was weird. It wasn't a big deal. For the first time ever. Not going to bank on this, but I'm pretty sure that's progress. Let's hope it lasts!

Day 27a

Weight: 139.2
Overnight: -0.8
Overall: -39.8

B: apple
L: dried apple slices
D: grilled sirloin, broccoli
S: broccoli


YYYYYYYAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!
I'm FINALLY in the 130s! Okay, just barely, but still! Hooray! Last night I actually had to go to the store and get some new pants since I officially don't have any that fit! Size 10 baby! Oh yeah. I look smokin' hot in them, too!
By the way, I have no size 10 because I sorta skipped this size. I went from 8 to pregnant and didn't get back before I was pregnant again. And while I do have sweats and all, I do live in Texas and it is summer and, well, you get the idea.
Anyway, this totally gives me enthusiasm to finish out the rest of what I have left. Because, oh yeah, did I mention? Also on my period. And still lost. !! Of course, I realize that by saying this I am completely setting myself up for another huge plateau and mega disappointment. Hmmm. Oh well. I'll deal with it when I get there, but for right now I am definitely celebrating!

Day 26a

Weight: 140.0
Overnight: -0.6
Overall: -39.0

B: none
L: apple
S: apple
D: broccoli


So.... yesterday didn't quite work out the way I'd imagined. I didn't inject, but you still have to wait 72 hrs before eating the maintenance-allowed foods. Even then, sugar & starches are still taboo. So with all the best intentions, I took Angela to lunch at Chili's. What's that saying? "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
I just ordered a salad! Riiight. If only it were that simple. Turns out the BBQ Chicken Salad has 1060 calories, 63g fat, 50g carbs.
Ummm, yeah.
So I promptly went home and puked it all up.
Ok. I don't intend to make this a habit. Really. I truly was in pain, though. It wasn't a smart move. Oh, but did it ever taste good!
Point being, it was still more cals than I was allowed in 2 days. Not to mention the carbs! So I purged and then just didn't eat anything else the rest of the day. Just in case.
And apparently it worked, because I did go down. 140! Hooray! That's enough to keep me going through the rest of my syringes.
So, back on the wagon. Injected today. Eating my apples. Skipped lunch, but only because I got distracted w/ company. I'm a little sad I won't be eating regularly for that much longer. This diet is really disrupting family meals and therefore the kids' routines.
Sorry, kiddos. Hang in there - Mom is almost done.

Day 25a

Weight: 140.6
Overnight: -0.8
Overall: -38.4

B: none
L:
D:


Finally! Still not going to inject today. But maybe I won't cheat. I was sorta planning to. Today is Angela's birthday and she is really in need of some cheering up. I'd planned to get some of her fav comfort foods - Spring Creek bread, Chili's lava choc cake, etc. And if I happened to try some...
Well, not anymore. I didn't cheat for my birthday. It'd be lame to cheat for someone else's! And I really, really want to get to the 30s. But I also can't stay on this forever. It is really hurting my kids that I don't make meals for them. Mark steps up sometimes, but not enough. And it's just too hard to make meals I can't eat every single night.

So on a more personal note ---
(and yes, this will probably be TMI for anyone reading!)
one of the reasons I originally was desperate to lose weight was to try to get my husband's attention - sexually. I know, I know - if he's not interested it wasn't because of me or my weight. At least, there were other factors in play. But it's hard to feel sexy and seductive when you hate your body AND you're getting ignored. Throw in pre-existing self-esteem issues and depression and you've got yourself one down lady.
So did I really think losing weight was the answer? Yes and no. No, it's not going to fix problems with Mark. In fact, if it did it would probably make me mad. But yes in the regard that me feeling better about myself enables me to be proactive about problems. And when other guys check me out I get the validation I haven't been getting from my husband. And finally, I feel like Mark has something to be jealous about.
I used to wear my wedding ring whenever I left the house (I take it off at home a lot because it's tight). But I would ALWAYS wear it out of the house because I wanted people to know that even if I was a big fat mess I was still "wanted" - or at least had been at one point - because I was married and therefore claimed. Pathetic, I know. But really, that was where I was. BTW, Mark never wears his wedding ring. He can't at work for safety issues, but hasn't otherwise for the last 6.5 years. (We've been married 7.5)
Anyway, I finally feel like I could go out ring-less and feel just as confident walking around the store as I did with my rock on. Obviously this involves a whole lot more issues than just weight, but the point right now is that I am feeling so much better about myself. I am sooooo grateful for that. This really has restored a lot of self-confidence. And you know what? I do have self-control. I've been eating 500 calories/day for over 60 days now. That's hard. That takes control. It takes a lot of discipline and requires a lot of mental work. Maybe I am stronger than I give myself credit. So the point of all this --
last night I put on a slinky nightie w/ black lace panties from my early married days. Mind you, when I got married I don't know how much I weighed, but it had to be in the low 120s. I lost a lot right before my wedding and I looked awesome. Of course, I immediately put it back on plus some with the ensuing stress. But that's a different story.
ANYWAY... they fit. Snugly. And they were some of my bigger stuff, but they fit. I was amazed. And I felt sexy. And it was for me. Not Mark.
I think I've turned a corner.

Day 24a

Weight: 141.4
Overnight: -0.6
Overall: -37.6

B: apple
L: grilled chicken salad w/ tomatoes & WF dressing, apple
D: grilled chicken, apple


Went ahead and did another injection. Wasn't going to. But since I lost... Then I had lunch and remembered how sick of the no-cal dressing I am. And spending all day at the zoo w/ my kiddos munching on all sorts of fun snacks I packed them and me sipping on my yummy... water. Mmmmm. Ah! this is killing me!

Bowing out?

Silly, I know, but I feel like a quitter. Really it is ridiculous. After all, I signed up for a 60-day program and I've been on for 62 now. So it's not like I'm giving up. Right?
I guess I feel this way because my plan was to keep going until my needles ran out (14 more) since I still have a ton of hcg left. At BKi they offer a 20-day extension -- for an extra $300! Yeah, right. Not going that route. But apparently they believe the "immune" effect doesn't exist or apply because of their formula? Not sure exactly.
But I'm not getting the results. And I'm discouraged. And I miss food. ... that actually worries me a bit. Almost like I might need to be on the diet longer because I really want food? Ah! That is ridiculous. Isn't it?
AAAAAAaaarrrgghhhhh!!!!
I'm going crazy. And I feel like I'm not being a good example because of it. Not my intent. Sorry. I am seriously just terrified that as soon as I stop the diet I will balloon back out of control. I have no faith in myself that I can eat responsibly. None whatsoever.
That's pretty sad.

Day 23a

Weight: 142.0
Overnight: -0.2
Overall: -37.0

B: none
L: grilled sirloin, Wasa
D: a whole lot of dried apple slices


Seriously? -0.2? After all the time I spent in the bathroom yesterday (I know, TMI. Sorry) I was seriously expecting to drop 5 lbs! Yesterday I started taking my frozen castor oil pills - to help my colon heal. They told me if I froze them then they'd make it through the stomach acid intact and on to my colon so instead of acting as a laxative they'd act as a stimulant. Hmm, kinda sounds the same, doesn't it? Anyway, it sure did feel the same yesterday! I mean, dang.
Back to my original gripe - I thought for sure I'd go down more. At least I went down. I don't know. Maybe I am growing immune to the effects of the hcg. Maybe it's time to throw in the towel. I just REALLY wanted to make it down to the 30s before I quit. Ideally I'd have made it to the 20s, but clearly that isn't going to happen. Oh well. There are other ways to lose weight, right? Especially now that I have such a good head-start? I just feel ... cheated.

Mother's Day pix

Not the greatest pic, but oh well. You get the idea.





With my cute girls! (Hyrum was napping)

Day 22a

Weight: 142.2
Overnight: -0.8
Overall: -36.8

B: apple, a few cherry tomatoes
L: grilled chicken over salad w/ cherry tomatoes and WF Caesar dressing
S: Wasa
D: Heaven chicken, Wasa
S: apple


Still not sure what to think. Maybe the influx was because of the pudding? It didn't have that effect on me before, so I don't know. At least it went down. I am getting discouraged not getting as good of results.
HOWEVER,
yesterday was awesome! I sang in church, wore a dress size 10 that was pre-pregnancy Lacie, and EVERYONE went on and on about the song, the dress, the weight-loss, etc. Seriously, it was awesome. Biggest self-esteem boost I could ever have hoped for. Totally worth 2 months of not eating.
HOWEVER,
this morning I am starving! I've eaten an apple plus some tomatoes, where I don't normally even eat breakfast and I'm still sooooo hungry. Okay, maybe not sooooo hungry. Not starving. I just want to eat. Like I have the munchies or something. Hmmm --- weight gain + munchies --- wonder if this means I'm about to start my period???

Day 21a

Weight: 143.0
Overnight: +1.2
Overall: -36.0

B: none
L: apple
D:


Hmm. Not sure I want to comment. It's Mother's Day, after all.
I guess all I can say is that my indulgence with the choc. pudding last night was lovely. Not sure how 8oz of pudding turns into a 1.2lb weight gain, but whatever.

Proud

I'd just like to mention --
on my web browser's "most visited" tab, this blog now outranks Spider Solitaire. And yes, that is a major accomplishment. :)

Day 20a

Weight: 141.8
Overnight: +0.6
Overall: -36.2

B: apple
L: grilled chicken, roasted squash/zucchini, ff/sf pudding (not much, but still. shouldn't have)
D: roasted squash/zucchini, pudding - more than a little


This is getting annoying...
I'm annoyed...
...
Grrrr.

[Breathe]

Going to try to ignore it -- after I hurry and vent! : ) The thing is, on Thursday I went and got a colonic done. 1st ever. Ummm, yeah. That was an experience! When Mark asked what a colonic was I told him it was an enema that lasted 1.5 hrs. His eyes went wide & he started choking. Funny. Men can be such pansies. Anyway, I had it done because I've been plagued all my life by digestive problems. Call it Irritable Bowel if you will. But I was getting sick of it. And rather than doing a cleanse or a colonoscopy or whatever else, I chose this route.
I had to stop it early because it was getting too painful. Oddly enough, it was a good thing. They were able to diagnose my problem (TMI warning: a part of my colon was stretched out, making a subsequent part of the colon too small, so things would get blocked and built up until it HAD to push through, which would feel super fun!, and then I'd be fine again).
ANYHOO,
You'd think with such a "cleansing" I'd drop some weight??? You'd think. And I did Friday. Even when I ate that jell-o pudding (albeit sf/ff and counted it as my 2nd protein for the day). But then to gain?! Aargh! So mad. So, so mad.
And the worst part of it was that I was up late last night (as usual) & put together a breakfast casserole in the crock-pot. Oh my, it smelled soooo good. Eggs, cheese, ham... waaaaa!

Day 19a

Weight: 141.2
Overnight: -0.8
Overall: -37.8

B: apple
L:
D:


Feeling good today - physially, mentally. Had my counseling session with Jenny. We discussed ways to head off the negative cycle I get into. Interesting the part food plays in that cycle.

Days left

Yes, I altered it once again. This time I actually have something to base it off - I only have 18 needles left. Thus, I can only inject another 18 times. Unless I procure more needles. But I don't if it requires a Rx. And I don't want to ask BKi for fear they'll try to charge me for it. Extending 20 days is another $300, and that's just not going to happen. They said the HCG is good for 60 days, and since I have more in the bottle I'm going to just keep on using it. Technically I could use it up until around June 8th (if it lasts that long); I just don't have that many needles.
Am I talking in circles? Feels like it.
Oh yeah, after the last injection I have to stay on protocol 3 more days. So I guess actually need to change it to 21 more days. 3 weeks. That's not too bad, is it? That's worth it to drop another 10 lbs (at the rate I'm going), right? It'd put me around the 130s. Not exactly what I'd hoped - I was going for around 115-120, but oh well. I can get there with ballet, right? Maybe? Argh. Seems silly to try to guess what I may or may not have to plan around.

Day 18a

Weight: 142.0
Overnight: -1.6
Overall: -37.0

B: apple
L: none
D: grilled chicken, apple
S: FF/SF choc. pudding (not protocol approved)


Woo Hoo! 1.6 lbs? That's awesome! SOOOOO excited! This is definitely the kind of progress that keeps me excited - keeps me pumped to continue.
I'm also starting to recognize a pattern. I plateau for a week or so - almost like I'm "working things out," and then I drop. Frustrating at the time, but as long as I know there is a drop in the future I think I can handle it a little better from now on.

Day 17a

Weight: 143.6
Overnight: -0.6
Overall: -35.4

B: Fresca
L: apple, grilled sirloin, water
D:


Still going down! Yippee! Actually, I weighed a couple hours later after using the potty & had gone down even more, but soas not to have a disappointment tomorrow I'm sticking with the first one. Is that lame? I don't know. Oh well if it is. Gotta say though, progress makes all the difference in the world when it comes to my resolve. Today I'm wearing some adidas warm-up pants I haven't worn since for, sheesh, years. I don't even know how many. But I love these pants. They're the kind the cool kids would wear in junior high. With the 3 stripes down the side instead of the 2-striped generic brand I had. Funny how things like that were so important. Or so I thought.
ANYWAY --
progress feels good. I just have to remember not to look at food ads. They're killer. This morning I made pumpkin muffins (YUM!) for Andrea to take to school for Teacher Appreciation Week. I handled it okay, but when she asked me to make choc. chip cookies as well I think I shed a little tear. ;)

A more comprehensive look

Day 16a

Weight: 144.2
Overnight: -1.4
Overall: -34.8

B: none
L: apple, grilled chicken
D:


I'm normal! Hooray! At last and finally! My BMI is no longer in the "overweight" category, but in the "normal" range! Yay!
And finally, some progress! Good thing, too. Without some hint at progress my willpower really shuts down. Today I took Hyrum & Lacie to the Dallas Museum of Art (they have all sorts of fun, free stuff each first Tuesday). Can I just say downtown Dallas at lunchtime smells soooooo good! Well, in the Arts district anyway! All the restaurants & cafes crank it out to lure people in with their mouthwatering aromas. Mmmmmmm. Anyway, progress is probably the only thing that kept me from caving. That and looking at my reflection in the glass mirrored-windows of one of the buildings. Funny how you can feel like you're doing so well and looking so skinny -- until you see your reflection. :(

Just have to say...

Earlier today I was in Home Depot, rocking my fitted size 12 pants, where a younger, smokin' hot guy was totally checking me out and then complimented my shoes (which were pretty awesome). Oh yeah! I walked out of there feeling like a million bucks.

Day 15a

Weight: 145.6
Overnight: 0.0
Overall: -33.4

B: none
L: grilled chicken, apple
S: green beans, dried apple slices
D: apple, Wasa


This is getting annoying. Why won't it move? I feel like I've been stuck in this rut now for a week! And it's not that I'm so unhappy with where I'm at, but just that if I'm going to keep doing this protocol I'd really like to see some results please!
Don't get me wrong - I'd still recommend this program to anyone who is desperate to lose the weight. But don't think it's going to be a walk in the park. It's hard. It's not fun. It's pretty monotonous. It's also worth it.
Anyway.
Just wish I could see some movement. On a happier note, I'm wearing some pants today that are on the slim side of size 12; very fitted. And I look AWESOME. : )

Day 14a

Weight: 145.6
Overnight: -0.4
Overall: -33.4

B: none
L: (late) Heaven chicken, apple, Wasa
D:


At least the movement was downwards! We'll see if that continues, huh?
Felt great at church today. Got a TON of comments/compliments. Plus I wore a skirt I was only barely able to fit for a short while the summer after Lacie was born. And I'd worked hard to get there, too. Hooray! Yet, I remember at that time feeling so fat. Sigh.

Another photo update

Day 37; Day 10a






Okay, so not quite as dramatic, but still there is noticeable change! Some of that change is a flatter butt and droopier boobs... hmmmm. Guess I better gear up for some Pilates after the program!

Quote of the Day

We were watching TV when a commercial for NutriSlim came on. It was talking about the success of their customers - how they'd lost X amount of lbs and now they look great, etc. So my daughter, Andrea, pipes up and says,

"Hey Mom! That's what you're doing! Before you were fat and now you look better!"

Day 13a

Weight: 146.0
Overnight: +0.2
Overall: -33.0

B: none
L:
D:


Not going to panic. Not. Breathe.
I did drink a whole lot more water yesterday than usual. I'm banking on that to be the cause. It'd better be! : ) I was really hoping that today I would be able to report that I'm finally out of the "overweight" BMI category. Sad. Not there yet.

Day 12a

Weight: 145.8
Overnight: -1.0
Overall: -33.2

B: apple
L: grilled chicken
D: Heaven chicken, Wasa, apple


Much better! Happy to announce the fluids are flowing, and apparently that's making a difference! Today I drank so much water I'm going to have to slosh to bed, but oh well. I also had 2 Frescas & water w/ Crystal Light. I was in the car a lot today. :)
Wore pants today that I'd never worn before. Wasn't able to get them more than half-way up my thighs a couple months ago. And with the exception of right at the waistline they looked pretty baggy! Yes, still carrying quite the gut. But wow, is that ever a difference - worrying about my gut instead of my thunder thighs!
This morning I had a counseling session with Jenny. She is awesome. She knows how to push me, and that's what she did this morning. She helped me throw away my "fat" clothes. It was hard. Really hard. I feel silly that it was, but it really was. And now that it's over I feel so much better! Like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. She said that in the end it wasn't about the actual clothes, but what they represented to me. I kept trying to argue that I was attempting to be cost-efficient should I again need their services. Yeah. Didn't fly. I think for me they were my safety net. Should I fail, should I be fat, I would have something to "hide" it. Okay, I still think there is merit to having clothes on hand so you don't have to run out to the store. BUT, Jenny wisely pointed out the cost these clothes were causing me - filling up my room/closet/storage space. AND it was undermining my ability to succeed right now.
When you put it that way... !
Anyway, ended up getting rid of 2 garbage bags of clothes + 1 box of shoes (kids' stuff included). Ahhhhh. Feels good.