Day 11a

Weight: 146.8
Overnight: +0.2
Overall: -32.2

B: none
L: apple
D:


Okay, this is getting ridiculously out of hand. What is going on?! I've had plateaus before, and even gained once or twice, but never like this. Never this much. I don't know what the deal is, but I don't like it! My only thought - maybe when I shaved yesterday & used regular conditioner instead of the approved stuff? Maybe because yesterday both servings of protein were "processed" - even though I've done that before w/ no consequences, and these are the "all-natural" and "minimally processed" meat. And I didn't even finish it all. Just in case.
Humph.
Trying to decide whether to do an apple day or not. I'm so hungry. I don't know if I can handle it. Blasted! Maybe I should call BKi and ask them??

~

Just called BKi. Feel a little better. Something that I don't track on this blog, and probably should, is my water intake. I've been pretty bad at drinking all the required water. So in the last few days I've tried to up it. Not tried, I have. But I haven't been peeing anymore frequently, so Heather says not to panic. Take my protease. Keep drinking. Keep peeing. Pee out the fat. Ok. I can do that. I will try not to panic. I will drink my water. And I will pee for all that I'm worth!

Day 10a

Weight: 146.6
Overnight: 0.0
Overall: -32.4

B: none
L: none
D: 3 slices turkey, apple, Wasa


AAaahhh! Staying the same? Even after I skipped an injection? Lame! Am I starting to get immune to it? Even still, I shouldn't be GAINING weight and staying there when I'm only eating 500 calories a day! Grrr.
What really sucks about lack of progress is when the temptation comes. Like, say, when we go to a Meet & Greet at the park and they bring pizza. Not too tough, right? Sip my water, play with the kids, distract myself pretty well. The problem comes when they send extra pizza home with us. And Mark & the kids snack on it all night. And it smells so ridiculously good. And I love pizza. And I start to want to just bag this whole diet and gorge myself on the stuff! It makes me feel like crap. I hate that I'm still so crazy about food. My cravings are not gone. Better, yes. Gone, no. Not at all. Not by a long shot.
On a positive note, the jeans I wore to the park were some that I was trying to squish myself in a few months (and failed), and today they were BAGGY!! Yay!
Ok. Maybe I do feel a little better. : )

Day 9a

Weight: 146.6
Overnight: +1.2
Overall: -32.4

B: none
S: almost 1/2 of 2 diff. apples (couldn't finish either - way too soft)
L: 3 slices turkey, Wasa, broccoli
D:


Huh???? How did...? Why would...? What tha...? WwwwwaaaaaaAAAAA!
Boo hoo!
Sob.
Sniff. Sniff.
And I was so close to being normal! ; )

Okay, so obviously I'm puzzled. Not sure why I would gain. And so much! Crazy. Skipping my injection today. Hopefully that will give me a boost. But aside from the disappointment, really I am confused. How on earth did that happen? I stayed up late last night, but I stay up late EVERY night. Didn't drink all my water, but then, I never do. I even started cleaning out my bedroom! I had prepared lunch meat last night - though, it's the 98% fat free, all-natural w/ supposedly no processing. And I've had it before without any negative results. Hmmm.
Baffled.
And disappointed. But now I really can't stop.

Interesting - last night I was sorting through clothes that have been piled on the floor of my bedroom for the last who-knows-how-long. Of course, they're in every size from 18 to 12. So I finally started sorting through the stuff I no longer wear. Wow, was that ever a different experience putting away clothes that are now too big instead of too small! That has never happened before! Anyway, I found that I can't quite put away all the clothes yet. Even though they're now too big, it's like I'm scared that I'm wrong. That I'm not really smaller. Or that I'll wake up and be big again.
Laura (at BKi) told me she had similar feelings. Even though she was down to size 4, she'd keep going to her size 14 clothes because she hadn't come to terms yet that she really was smaller.
I guess I'm just terrified that it will go away. Or that I think I'm smaller, but really I'm still fat. I know, I know, "fat" is so subjective. I guess I'm just realizing there's a whole lot more mental/emotional stuff going on than I had thought - or anticipated.

Day 8a

Weight: 145.4
Overnight: -1.0
Overall: -33.6

B: none
L: apple, Wasa, Heaven chicken
D: Wasa, 3 slices turkey, apple


Getting closer to "normal"!! Haha. Actually, after obsessing over my BMI last night (I think I checked it on 14 different sites), I am more motivated to keep going and not stop until I'm at the bottom end of the "normal" category. You know, since the difference (for me) between weighing 145.1 and 145.2 is the difference between being considered 'normal' and 'overweight.'
I'm really starting to think about long-term maintenance. Because I really don't want to do this again. And I REALLY don't want to be overweight, let alone obese. (Anymore!)
My eating right now is very spastic. Not planned out; no thought put into it. Kind of like survival eating. Again, quite reflective of my life right now. Yes, I'm hoping that once I sort out my life things will be better, but I know this won't be the only time in my life that things are crazy/chaotic. So when those times come, will I revert back? Pack the weight back on? I really need to figure this out before I finish the program or I think I'll be in trouble.

Quick shout-out:
Thank you everyone for your comments! They're so awesome and inspiring for me! Honestly, I read and re-read the comments each day because they're so motivating. I feel cared about. I don't feel alone on this journey. Support is truly key to success on this program - otherwise it is just torture. Okay, not torture, but certainly not fun. And many days almost not do-able. This keeps me going. So thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

BMI

So... as for BMI, I started out in the "obese" category.
Now I'm in the "overweight" category.
Apparently I need to lose 1.3 lbs to be "normal."

Here's to being "normal"!

Day 7a

Weight: 146.4
Overnight: -0.6
Overall: -32.6

B: none
L: apple, grilled chicken, Wasa
D: grilled chicken, Wasa


Went to my 2nd Overeaters Anonymous meeting tonight. It was really good. Even better was my talk w/ _ in the driveway afterwards. Seems I am still trying to escape. Not being able to use food makes it a little harder, but I've easily found other ways to escape: computer, tv, sleep, shopping. Why can't cleaning my house be a great escape? Somehow that never quite makes the list. And neither does dishes or laundry. Hmmm. Wouldn't that be great if you could re-program yourself to where anytime you were bored, frustrated or however else you get in a funk - rather than having a desire to eat/veg/etc you desired to clean? I'm almost afraid at how clean my house would be. Almost. Alas, life is not that easy.
In any event, I'm pretty sure I need to conquer this rut I'm in, or after the diet I'll just put everything back on.

Day 6a

Weight: 157.0
Overnight: -1.0
Overall: -32.0

B: none
L: apple
D: Heaven chicken, Wasa


Went to Cleburne to see Steel Magnolias. Saw Judy & Becky for the first time in months. At first Judy said she didn't even recognize me! Helps that my hair is different. But still! It was pretty awesome. And Becky "ooh-ed" and "ahh-ed" as well. Really nice. Soooo nice. It sounds pathetic that I look to other people so much for encouragement. Maybe because I don't get any at home. As I'm writing this Mark asked me if I want some Ramen Noodles. Really? Really? Hasn't said a word about how I look since before I left for Utah. I mean, it's great when your spouse loves you regardless, but c'mon. Looking hot is looking hot. And absolutely if he were to tone up and get a 6-pack I would be ALL OVER THAT.

Day 5a

Weight: 148.0
Overnight: -0.8
Overall: -31.0

B: apple
L: Wasa
D: grilled chicken


Just had a down day. Talked to my counselor - she reminded me that the first week of protocol is really rough. That helped me feel better. I'm just totally out of sorts coming home from the trip -- coming home to chaos after a really awesome break, a successful concert & having a great time with family/friends. Reality kinda sucks after that.
I once went to an organization seminar where the lady mentioned that most clients would lose weight after cleaning out closets/rooms/etc. She said there was a direct correlation disorder and "holding on" to weight. Hmmm. Makes me wonder if I'd drop faster if my house weren't such a disaster.

Day 4a

Weight: 148.8
Overnight: -1.4
Overall: -30.2

B: none
L: apple
D:


Now that's what I'm talking about! Down 1.4 lbs, and FINALLY under the 150 mark! Woohoo!!
THIS is what encourages me to continue. This kind of progress - the fact that I haven't been down in this weight area for 4 years. I am encouraged! I am excited! Bring it on!

Chicken

Took Lisa's advice - cooked up a whole bunch of chicken for the next few days. That should help. Also, I need to get with the program as far as water goes. I am definitely not drinking enough, and I'm fairly certain I could be losing more if I'd just do it. Blast water not tasting like anything good!

Day 3a

Weight: 150.2
Overnight: -0.6
Overall: -29.8

B: apple
L: 3 slices turkey, Wasa
D: raspberries, grilled chicken, botched the broccoli :(


Getting better. Went grocery shopping last night. That helped. Re-stocked on apples (a MUST); got some raspberries (yum!); Fresca (my treat); Hormel's "natural" turkey slices (not technically protocol, but it's supposed to be non-processed and 98% fat free, and it saves me when in a time crunch). I felt guilty about not getting salad stuff, but I'm a little burned out. Maybe I need to expand my protocol recipe collection.

Day 2a

Weight: 150.8
Overnight: 0.0
Overall: -29.2

B: none
L: apple
D: grilled sirloin, pickles, Wasa, apple


Went to a PTA meeting today. First one since February. Everyone's jaws dropped & of course I was asked what on earth I had been doing! HOORAY! It felt so awesome. Everyone noticed. Somehow it makes it feel more real, because honestly, I don't feel like I look that different. Even though I know I do. I just still feel like "fat me." Probably because I still am. But I finally have hope that it can change.

Okay I cracked

Blast!
So hard going back on protocol! I ate the last of the Sweet Freedom fudge bars I was able to have on maintenance (no sugar, but has dairy).
Waiting until 9pm to eat was not smart. By then I was starving. I'm just too lazy. I hate thawing meat, weighing it, cooking it, and THEN eating it. And then cleaning up all the mess of having raw meat. Blast being lazy.

Day 1a

Weight: 150.8
Overnight: N/A
Overall: -29.2

B: none
L: apple
D: heaven chicken w/ Wasa, SweetFreedom fudge bar*
*not protocol approved


Started back on the injections today. Partly I was afraid I wouldn't go back on protocol if I waited any longer. Partly I just want to get this over and done with!
Feeling a little of the hunger. Doesn't help that I haven't eaten yet. Not excited to be back on such a limited diet, but after seeing Tessy yesterday who had dropped from size 24 to size 2, well, I am determined to at least get out of the double-digits.

M-days 4-8

Weight Range: 151.8 - 154.0
LIW: 153.0


Okay, obviously I didn't keep things up while on my trip, so I'll just quickly summarize:
I took my scale and faithfully weighed in every morning. Mostly I stayed between 152.2 - 152.8. One day I was horrified when it got up to 154.0, but then it went back down AND I had started my period. So I stopped stressing. Which was good, because the concert was stressful enough! But it all went fabulously, the trip was WONDERFUL, and I was sooooo glad that I was on maintenance and not protocol!
As for the eating, I ate probably way too much cheese (not low-fat either), not near enough water, sugar that I had not intended, and CHOCOLATE! (Fat free, sugar free and 5X the recommended amount of anti-oxidants. And yummy! Yes, it is miracle chocolate - but that is for another time/blog.)
Anyway,
it was still really hard. I love my carbs and sweets. Had a really hard time staying away from them. Had a really hard time not over-eating. I'm not sure how much of that was due to being on my period and how much is that I still just really like to eat. But I was at least aware of when I had eaten til I was satisfied, and then when I kept eating I did feel sick. At least I was aware. Still have a long, long ways to go.

M-day 3

Weight: 152.8
Overnight: +1.6
LIW: 153.0
Difference: -0.2

B: olives; pudding
L: parmesan chicken
D:


What tha?! Grr. I don't get this at all. I totally backed off on the cheese yesterday, and I went up almost 2 lbs? ??? Then again, in all fairness, yesterday morning when I weighed in I was actually at 152.2. Not happy. Then I took a shower and somehow, "magically," I dropped down to 151.2 -- sooooo, who knows? Plus my "morning" times tend to be all over the board. I never get up at the same time, and almost always go to bed super late. Maybe that's something I should work to fix?

M-day 2

Weight: 151.2
Overnight: -0.8
LIW: 153.0
Difference: -1.8

B: egg beaters w/ salsa, a little cheese
L: stick of string cheese; fat/sugar free pudding;
D: olives; Crystal Light; hotdog w/ ketchup


Must ease up on the cheese today! Soooo hard! I LOVE CHEESE. Reminds me of a movie trailer I saw years ago for a movie I don't recall --
(Man): "What's life without cheese?"
(Doctor): "Longer."
Anyway, last night I felt so sick, and then I had such a massive headache. Makes me think I really need to be careful on this maintenance period.

M-day 1

Weight: 152.0
Overnight: +0.2
LIW: 153.0
Difference: -1.0

B: Mark's cheesy eggs (2)
L: sauce, cheese & toppings off 2 sm. slices of pizza; apple
D: 1 more sm. "slice" of pizza; cheese & broccoli soup


Eater's Remorse!
Okay, so I probably over-did it. All right. I really over-did it. I probably should not have consumed so much cheese... all day long. I couldn't help myself! But I did regret it. I felt awful - physically. My stomach really ached. Plus I found myself RUNNING to the bathroom half the day. Not cool. Just goes to show I do not have this eating thing in check, emotionally. Lots of work to do.

Dress for the concert

Add some Spanx & control tops and I'm good to go!

Day 41

Weight: 151.8
Overnight: +0.6
Overall: -27.2

B: none
L: strawberries, 1 slice turkey
D: apple, Heaven chicken


Disappointed that I went up. Oh well. I haven't been drinking as much water as I should be. Yesterday I drank a whole lot more, so I wonder if my "water weight" went up? Who knows. Right now I'm just so excited at the idea of eating dairy products! Cheese! I told Mark tonight that I was requesting an order of his cheesy eggs for breakfast tomorrow. Yay! Can't wait.
Oh, hold on. Last night I had some pudding (fat&sugar free); that was taboo. Maybe that's why I went up?

Day 40

Weight: 151.2
Overnight: -1.8
Overall: -27.8

B:
L:
D:


Yay! It worked - I went down!
Had another weigh/measure appt. today. Total inches lost is 42!! Holy cow. Finally actually feeling good about myself. Decided I will take a "maintenance" break. Turns out I don't have to break for 3 weeks - I can go shorter. And since I will still be in a 'metabolic state' I could possibly lose weight! And then I'll go right back to protocol w/o any binge days.
Yay - makes me feel a LOT better. I really didn't want to take the meds & syringes to Utah for the trip. On the plane could be a hassle, but more than that, I don't want to have to explain it to my family. They all know about our financial "situation." I already got ripped up and down from Mark; I don't need it from anyone else. Anyway, this way I can just tell them I'm on Atkins. That will work. And it makes me feel WAY better that I don't have to stop the weight loss entirely or delay it so long. So this is good.


I went to the ballet tonight and got all dressed up for it. First time in 3 years that I've felt attractive.

Day 39

Weight: 153.0
Overnight: 0.0
Overall: -26.0

B: none
L: apple
D: 3 slices turkey


Forgot to inject. Not sure if I should now that it's later. Just called. They said no. Might even give the loss a bit of a boost. That'd be great, considering I didn't go down at all today.

Day 38

Weight: 153.0
Overnight: -0.4
Overall: -26.0

B: none
L: apple, Heaven chicken w/ Wasa
D: Heaven chicken w/ Wasa


Well, I guess the >1lb trend couldn't last forever. At least the scale is still moving -- downward, that is. Last night I went grocery shopping which is always hard. But then I found the secret! There was a woman there that I kept going down the same aisles as she. And she happened to be pretty with an incredible figure. She was dressed business casual, not immodest. She wore very fitted pants and she looked awesome in them. Suddenly I wasn't craving sweets anymore! I want to wear fitted pants and look that awesome! And just like that, I was all the more dedicated to finding healthy food for my family. If only I could have that kind of inspiration every time I went to the store! But I'm fairly certain I'd give her the wrong idea or at least creep her out if I asked for her number or shopping schedule!

Photo Update

THEN & NOW



THEN & NOW:



Okay. I guess there is some improvement. : ) Sometimes you have to SEE it to believe it.

Day 37

Weight: 153.4
Overnight: -1.6
Overall: -25.6

B: apple
L: 3 slices turkey, apple, Wasa bread
D: 3 slices turkey, Wasa bread


Hooray! Now that's the kind of progress I'm talkin' about!! Shoot, if this were to keep up maybe I could handle staying on protocol for the 60 days. I must say, the idea of going off and then returning back on isn't all that appealing.
Still have no energy. Still sick. Although, I'm fairly hopeful that I've turned a corner. Today my voice sounds almost normal and my cough isn't so far down in my chest anymore. I really hope, anyway. I'm a couple days out from being sick for 3 straight weeks! Blah! It'd be really nice to not be sick while I travel.
Yesterday I bought my dress for the concert next week. I ordered a size XL, which was disappointing. I didn't want to gamble by going smaller; according to their charts I measure exactly size XL. And while I obviously hope to lose more, it'd be horrible if I didn't and the dress was too small. That would be bad. I guess the disappointment of it is that I've lost 25 lbs and I'm still roughly the same size. I mean, not really. But sorta. Things just actually fit now. I guess I really was carrying that much weight in my belly. No wonder people would ask if I was pregnant! How sad. How did that happen? I don't know. I hope it doesn't ever happen again.

Day 36

Weight: 155.0
Overnight: -1.8
Overall: -24.0

B: apple
L: broccoli
D: "breaded" chicken, apple


Phew! It's a good thing I went down - and went down significantly! Otherwise I think I might have fallen to pieces and thrown in the towel. I'm fairly certain at this point I'm going to take a 3 week maintenance break. I just don't see how I can keep this up while in Utah. Maybe I could. I don't know. One thing is for sure, I'm not even close to my goal weight (120), and at this rate I just don't see how I could get there in another 25 days.

Day 35

Weight: 156.8
Overnight: +0.6
Overall: -22.2

B: apple
L: baked chicken
D: choc. Jell-O pudding (fat free/sugar free) w/ berries


Happy stinkin' birthday - here's another half pound for ya. Not fair. I'm not cheating. The only thing I can think of is the 2 tsp of cough syrup I take since, yes, I am still sick. So not fair.

Day 34

Weight: 156.2
Overnight: +0.4
Overall: -22.8

B: none
L: chicken "breaded" w/ wasa bread, broccoli
S: apple
D: baked chicken in a salad w/ broccoli, tomatoes & wasa bread "croutons"


I feel fatter. And discouraged. And depressed. And I just want to eat myself numb. I hate this. I went shopping tonight. So hard. I noticed all the thin people who were walking around, not having to worry about not eating food. I also noticed all the fat people. All the extremely overweight people. Mostly women. I don't want to become that. So I stick with my chicken salad.
Tomorrow will be hard. I can't not give the kids Easter candy. And we're going to do colorful rice krispy treats. Mmmmm... well... for them anyway.

Heaven Chicken

OH. MY. GOODNESS.
Just had the YUMMIEST dish ever! Wow. Can't get over how yummy it was. Even better than the sugar cookies I cheated with!
I don't know the name of the recipe - I could look it up - but I'd rather just call it Heavenly!
So here it is, with my alterations:

100 g chicken breast/tender, cubed (not cooked)
2 Tbsp lemon juice
2 Tbsp minced onion
2 cloves minced garlic (I didn't have any; didn't put it in)
1/4 tsp oregano, garlic powder & onion powder
1/4 c. water
1 c. chopped tomatoes (I used 1/2 can diced tomatoes - Italian style - and pureed it)
3 fresh leaves basil (I didn't have fresh; just sprinkled dried)
salt, pepper & cayenne to taste (I didn't use any - didn't need it)

Brown chicken in lemon juice. I ended up spraying a couple spritzes of olive oil to make sure it wouldn't stick. Add onion, garlic, spices, & water.
Once chicken is all cooked, add tomatoes and basil.
Cook 10 mins longer.
S&P to taste.

It looked like a thick paste by the end. I ate it with a slice of Wasa bread - soooo yummy.
Definitely a keeper.

Day 33

Weight: 155.8
Overnight: 0.0
Overall: -23.2

B: apple
L: melba toast
D: broccoli, HEAVEN CHICKEN, wasa bread


Not doing an injection today. I am just so frustrated. I realize I'm not eating my veggies like I used to. I better do better. I'm also seriously considering taking a maintenance break while I'm in Utah. I wonder if I have to do it for 3 weeks? I'd rather not. But I really don't think I'll be able to stay on protocol while I'm there. I'll ask at my next appt.

Day 32

Weight: 155.8
Overnight: -0.6
Overall: -23.2

B: none
L: grilled sirloin, tomatoes
S: apple
D: grilled sirloin, green beans, apple


Had my weigh & measure appt. today. Good thing. I've been so discouraged. I must say, I'm truly surprised that I went down on the scale this morning after my cheat last night.
So my measure showed that I actually dropped 6 inches! Holy cow. Not expecting that. I'm still wearing my size 14 pants, although they are a bit baggy. Anyway, that was really good to hear. Very needed. My hope is rejuvenated. I'm still on the fence as to whether or not I'll take a maintenance break. We'll see.