Day 19

Weight: 165.2
Overnight: +2.0
Overall: -13.8

B: none
S: apple
L: apple
D: apple


I want to cry.
How did this happen? I have theories, but none of them make me feel any better. GAINED? And 2 pounds at that?! WAAAAaaaaaa!
Last night was horrible. I came closer to cheating than ever before. Seriously, I have never been so tempted by food in my life. Mark made pepperoni pizza dinner for himself and the girls, then left a couple pieces out after going to bed. H.O.L.Y.C.O.W.
I really thought I was going to fold. I even weighed each piece! Each was under 100g, and I hadn't had my 2nd meal yet... I read and re-read (and re-re-read) Marilyn's blog post about cheating trying to convince myself that it was bad. BUT, she talked about how there was life after cheating. So maybe it wasn't so bad? Right?
Finally I went to a recipe site Melinda emailed me. I found a yummy looking chili recipe and got cooking. The aroma was strong enough that it overpowered the pizza smell - thank heavens! And it was tasty enough that I enjoyed it, felt satisfied so then didn't feel tempted by the pizza anymore.
Good job, right? Way to go. Nice job overcoming temptation. Good girl. Hooray.
You'd think.
This morning, instead of being rewarded for my strong will-power I was PUNISHED!! I went up! UP! AHHH! And initially I went up even more than I have documented -- at first the scale said 165.6. Then somehow over the course of my shower I managed to lose 0.4 lbs for a final weigh-in of 165.2.
I want to cry. I feel so demoralized. I knew there could be plateaus, but no one said anything about gaining unless I cheated. And I didn't! I almost did, but I didn't! I came really, really close, but I didn't! I almost wish I had. Then I could make sense of it at least.

Today I'm going to try doing an apple day. I don't know how that will go. I usually get so hungry I don't know if I'll be able to do it. But I'll try. And if this doesn't work... well, I don't want to think about that just yet. In the meantime I'll just pray. Hard.