Day 35a

Weight: 138.2
Overnight: -0.2
Overall: 40.8

B: none
L: apple, grilled chicken bits
S: apple
D: apple
*had 6 Xocai today


Glad I went down, even just a little bit. Felt like last night I overly stuffed myself. Did not feel good at all. Still have anxiety about ending the diet - whether or not I can keep the weight off -, but I am too burned out to continue. Tomorrow hopefully I'll be able to get an impromptu appt with B-Ki.
Just got home from an OA (overeaters anonymous) meeting. They're always good. I'm just always terrified that I need to be there - like, on a more permanent basis - actually do the program: get a sponsor, practice the abstinence, eat the menu given, etc. And I don't know if I can do it. But I don't want to be one of those people I hear at the meetings that spiraled so out of control before they found OA . I guess, I'm just really scared that this weight came off "easily" and so it'll go back on just as fast. How do I combat this?

Day 34a

Weight: 138.4
Overnight: +0.2
Overall: -40.6

B: none
L: grilled chicken bits,
S: apple
D:


Boo. I'm going to stick with yesterday's weigh-in of 138.2 so that today I didn't go up quite so much. How depressing! I can't imagine why I'm GAINING weight. I didn't even eat any Xocai yesterday. Didn't go over on my food.
...
I don't get it. And I'm super frustrated. And this morning I took my kids to an activity where I watched them frost, decorate & eat yummy cupcakes and it was killing me. And when I got home I checked my email and had a note of concern from a friend. As far as the numbers go, this 2nd half hasn't been nearly as productive as the 1st. And now I'm moving in the wrong direction. Maybe my body really is burned out. My mind sure is. I left this morning before I had a chance to inject -- running late (as always!). So maybe this is a good time to call it quits? Call yesterday my LIW (last injection weight), and count today as the first of the 3 days after the last injection?
The only problem is that I went UP! I really don't want to end going up. But I'm afraid I might keep going up? AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Day 33a

Weight: 137.8/138.2
Overnight: +0.2/+0.6
Overall: ...uh...not sure

B: none
L: apple, grilled chicken
D: grilled chicken, pickle
S: apple


So. Time to pay the piper, huh? I guess there's a reason you shouldn't eat more than the diet allows. As for the weird weigh-in -- I weighed early this morning, before I was really ready to wake up. I do this a lot - kind of a "preview." Then I go back to sleep and do my official weigh-in when I'm actually up for the day. The 2nd weigh-in is almost always less, if not the same. Until today. Not sure how I gained 0.4 lbs by sleeping in!! Then again, I've lost weight taking a shower before, so who knows?!
Lisa, Marilyn, thank you for your comments. I really appreciate the support. I am burned out, for sure. It's a battle every day not to talk myself out of quitting early. "Early" meaning I still have needles and hcg I could use and choose not to. For me, the hardest part of this diet is the family factor. I'm still making meals for my kids; still trying to make dinner for the fam. Trying being the operative word. My low energy and high desires for food has equaled complete disruption to our schedule. It has been really hard on our family. Doesn't help in the battle of "should I or should I not continue?"
As for having the runs, I'm tossing around a theory in the back of my mind about this being all the junk that I didn't get out during the colonic because of my weird issue. Now that I'm using the castor oil, that's supposedly helping the problem and now maybe it's all coming out? ??? I did a whole lot of internet researching last night on castor oil, and everywhere I could find, it said if you take the capsules frozen (as I am), it will not act as a diuretic. Hmmm. Also says you won't have the tell-tale stomach cramping -- which I haven't. So, again, who knows?
Regardless, I am still mystified as to how I could possibly GAIN weight when I "evacuated" so dang much yesterday.
But I think if I keep thinking about all this my head is likely to explode. So I'd better stop. ;)

Day 32a

Weight: 137.6
Overnight: -0.8
Overall: -41.4

B: none
S: apple
L: apple, grilled chicken
D: Heaven chicken, apple, Fresca, Xocai (3)
S: 1/2 apple, some dried apples


Didn't inject. Too late in the morning (I got a really late start). Oh well - that's just one day longer I can stretch this out! And I totally will seeing as I'm making progress! Almost a whole pound! That's fantastic! And I've been steadily losing for a few days in a row now! Although, I do have to wonder if it has a little something to do with the Xocai I'm taking. I shouldn't be eating it right now since it's not protocol-approved. It's dark chocolate that is fat-free, sugar-free and has so many health benefits it's crazy. It has an unbelievable/un-equalled amount of anti-oxidants, and my sister swears it's making her lose weight. BUT, her friend figures it probably prevented her from losing more weight when she was on this diet (I think this was the diet she was on - not positive). The facts are a little fuzzy. Anyway, 1 serving is 3 squares, which I've been eating for the last couple days. Yesterday, though, I ate 8! Whoops. I was just really munchy! And too lazy to cook my 2nd protein. In fact, the last few days I haven't had both my proteins. Wonder if THAT has anything to do with my losses?
Ah! Too many factors. I'll just be thankful and move on!

okay, I'm starving - mentally, physically, whatever. I don't know what it is, but I am just having such a major attack of the munchies - it's killing me! If I could just eat raw carrots I would, but I can't even do that. I've already gone over w/ my apples. Not happy to see how that will play out tomorrow morning. Although (WARNING: TMI), I have had the runs all day. ALL day. Starting to wonder if the caster oil is not such a good idea? Although, isn't it better to get it all out? Ach! Hate that I don't know everything!

Day 31a

Weight: 138.4
Overnight: -0.6
Overall: -40.6

B: apple
L: squash/zucchini & tomato saute, apple
D: grilled chicken, Fresca, apple


Yay! Went down! And after the potty-breaks I've been taking today, I'm fairly certain it will go down tomorrow as well! Sorry if that was TMI.
So it's funny the difference between how I feel in the morning as opposed to at night. Last night I was ready to throw in the towel; this morning I'm wishing I could stay on the diet another month! Good thing I inject in the morning and not at night!! I think by the end of the day, after making meals all day, I just want to eat so much. So I start wishing I hadn't injected so I could be that much closer to maintenance (you have to continue the protocol diet for 72 hrs after your last injection). By morning, things look different. Breakfast isn't a big deal for me to skip - I usually sleep through it anyway. And that's when I weigh-in, so, assuming there's progress, I'm pumped and excited about losing.
ANYWAY.

Day 30a

Weight: 139.0
Overnight: 0.0
Overall: -40.0

B: none
S: apple
L: "Tea Party" (w/ my daughters): cooked chicken bites, oven-roasted squash/zucchini, Fresca
D: squash/zucchini & tomato saute, apple, Xocai (I know, not a smart move, but I'm hungry!!)


Okay, it could have been worse. It could have gone up. And I was afraid it might since I used some no-no sprays of oil to cook my food last night. Not much, but then, it doesn't take much. Plus I ate some Xocai chocolate. No sugar, but extra calories - although I didn't eat my 2nd protein. I don't know. Anyway, I'm just glad it didn't go up. I feel bad. Like I'm wasting my opportunity to lose by not being more strict. But honestly, I've been on this diet almost 70 days and that's with only an 8 day maintenance break in there. So, I am kinda getting burned out on it. Plus I'm 10 days past what I "paid for," so anything more is just because I'm trying to get more mileage out of it. But then if I waste it... ?
I need to stop thinking about it.

*Okay, about the Tea Party - it was a hoot to begin with, but really it taught me a lesson. I pulled out the fancy tea set from Grandma and made up a super cute luncheon for the girls, had my food, and then we all ate together. I was amazed that by the time I was half-way through my veggies I was feeling full. Maybe 'cause I was taking longer? Serving more, but smaller portions? I don't know, but for whatever the reason, I think there was a lesson in there somewhere. Like Mary's mom always says, "Presentation is EVERYTHING!"

Day 29a

Weight: 139.0
Overnight: -1.0
Overall: -40.0

B: none
L: apple
D: chicken, squash/zucchini & tomato saute (all cooked with little sprays of pam)
S: apple


Back down. Good thing! I was worried that all those dried apples last night would have a bad effect. Mostly because I can't really judge how much I've eaten in comparison to a "medium-sized apple." Whew!
Forgot to inject this morning. Well, not so much forgot as slept in and had to rush out the door to get Andrea to school, then went marketing. By the time I got home it was way too late. Oh well. Wow, so I'm really lazy. I'd like to eat something, but I just don't want to fix it. I realized as I was at the store today that I'd reach for something, then think about the preservatives & junk in it and how I could avoid that by just making it from scratch. So I'd put it back. Problem is, I'm too lazy to make everything from scratch. Blast! Something I really need to change if I'm going to change our family eating habits.

Day 28a

Weight: 140.0
Overnight: +0.8
Overall: -39.0

B: none
L: dried apples, broccoli
D: grilled chicken, apple
S: dried apples


Boo! Lame to go up, but I'm not stressing. I was up this morning a lot earlier than normal (due to 9am church), so I'm chalking it up to an earlier weigh-in. And yes, I have noticed that it makes a difference.
Talked to my friend who started protocol today - yay! A suffering buddy! Haha, j/k. Sorta. It is a lot easier to do it, though, when you have someone else to commiserate with. And to share success with. Really, this blog has been my life-support-line for this whole diet. I highly recommend it to anyone hcg-ing.
In other news... oh wait, there is no other news! Although I did want to comment on our jaunt to the park last night. It was a potluck, and I figured (rightly) it would be easiest to just eat first instead of bring something. What could I even bring? Anyway, so we ate first. I figured the kids would just want to play anyway, which they did. GOOD THING! The food there was incredible! I was seriously amazed. And then someone showed up with pizza. Ah! But you know what? As I was looking past the pizza at the chocolate/cherry brownie cake & the homemade peach pie, for a split second I was about to grab a slice. Then I remembered I wasn't eating that. And in that same moment that I thought I'd mourn, I didn't. It was weird. It wasn't a big deal. For the first time ever. Not going to bank on this, but I'm pretty sure that's progress. Let's hope it lasts!

Day 27a

Weight: 139.2
Overnight: -0.8
Overall: -39.8

B: apple
L: dried apple slices
D: grilled sirloin, broccoli
S: broccoli


YYYYYYYAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!
I'm FINALLY in the 130s! Okay, just barely, but still! Hooray! Last night I actually had to go to the store and get some new pants since I officially don't have any that fit! Size 10 baby! Oh yeah. I look smokin' hot in them, too!
By the way, I have no size 10 because I sorta skipped this size. I went from 8 to pregnant and didn't get back before I was pregnant again. And while I do have sweats and all, I do live in Texas and it is summer and, well, you get the idea.
Anyway, this totally gives me enthusiasm to finish out the rest of what I have left. Because, oh yeah, did I mention? Also on my period. And still lost. !! Of course, I realize that by saying this I am completely setting myself up for another huge plateau and mega disappointment. Hmmm. Oh well. I'll deal with it when I get there, but for right now I am definitely celebrating!

Day 26a

Weight: 140.0
Overnight: -0.6
Overall: -39.0

B: none
L: apple
S: apple
D: broccoli


So.... yesterday didn't quite work out the way I'd imagined. I didn't inject, but you still have to wait 72 hrs before eating the maintenance-allowed foods. Even then, sugar & starches are still taboo. So with all the best intentions, I took Angela to lunch at Chili's. What's that saying? "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
I just ordered a salad! Riiight. If only it were that simple. Turns out the BBQ Chicken Salad has 1060 calories, 63g fat, 50g carbs.
Ummm, yeah.
So I promptly went home and puked it all up.
Ok. I don't intend to make this a habit. Really. I truly was in pain, though. It wasn't a smart move. Oh, but did it ever taste good!
Point being, it was still more cals than I was allowed in 2 days. Not to mention the carbs! So I purged and then just didn't eat anything else the rest of the day. Just in case.
And apparently it worked, because I did go down. 140! Hooray! That's enough to keep me going through the rest of my syringes.
So, back on the wagon. Injected today. Eating my apples. Skipped lunch, but only because I got distracted w/ company. I'm a little sad I won't be eating regularly for that much longer. This diet is really disrupting family meals and therefore the kids' routines.
Sorry, kiddos. Hang in there - Mom is almost done.

Day 25a

Weight: 140.6
Overnight: -0.8
Overall: -38.4

B: none
L:
D:


Finally! Still not going to inject today. But maybe I won't cheat. I was sorta planning to. Today is Angela's birthday and she is really in need of some cheering up. I'd planned to get some of her fav comfort foods - Spring Creek bread, Chili's lava choc cake, etc. And if I happened to try some...
Well, not anymore. I didn't cheat for my birthday. It'd be lame to cheat for someone else's! And I really, really want to get to the 30s. But I also can't stay on this forever. It is really hurting my kids that I don't make meals for them. Mark steps up sometimes, but not enough. And it's just too hard to make meals I can't eat every single night.

So on a more personal note ---
(and yes, this will probably be TMI for anyone reading!)
one of the reasons I originally was desperate to lose weight was to try to get my husband's attention - sexually. I know, I know - if he's not interested it wasn't because of me or my weight. At least, there were other factors in play. But it's hard to feel sexy and seductive when you hate your body AND you're getting ignored. Throw in pre-existing self-esteem issues and depression and you've got yourself one down lady.
So did I really think losing weight was the answer? Yes and no. No, it's not going to fix problems with Mark. In fact, if it did it would probably make me mad. But yes in the regard that me feeling better about myself enables me to be proactive about problems. And when other guys check me out I get the validation I haven't been getting from my husband. And finally, I feel like Mark has something to be jealous about.
I used to wear my wedding ring whenever I left the house (I take it off at home a lot because it's tight). But I would ALWAYS wear it out of the house because I wanted people to know that even if I was a big fat mess I was still "wanted" - or at least had been at one point - because I was married and therefore claimed. Pathetic, I know. But really, that was where I was. BTW, Mark never wears his wedding ring. He can't at work for safety issues, but hasn't otherwise for the last 6.5 years. (We've been married 7.5)
Anyway, I finally feel like I could go out ring-less and feel just as confident walking around the store as I did with my rock on. Obviously this involves a whole lot more issues than just weight, but the point right now is that I am feeling so much better about myself. I am sooooo grateful for that. This really has restored a lot of self-confidence. And you know what? I do have self-control. I've been eating 500 calories/day for over 60 days now. That's hard. That takes control. It takes a lot of discipline and requires a lot of mental work. Maybe I am stronger than I give myself credit. So the point of all this --
last night I put on a slinky nightie w/ black lace panties from my early married days. Mind you, when I got married I don't know how much I weighed, but it had to be in the low 120s. I lost a lot right before my wedding and I looked awesome. Of course, I immediately put it back on plus some with the ensuing stress. But that's a different story.
ANYWAY... they fit. Snugly. And they were some of my bigger stuff, but they fit. I was amazed. And I felt sexy. And it was for me. Not Mark.
I think I've turned a corner.

Day 24a

Weight: 141.4
Overnight: -0.6
Overall: -37.6

B: apple
L: grilled chicken salad w/ tomatoes & WF dressing, apple
D: grilled chicken, apple


Went ahead and did another injection. Wasn't going to. But since I lost... Then I had lunch and remembered how sick of the no-cal dressing I am. And spending all day at the zoo w/ my kiddos munching on all sorts of fun snacks I packed them and me sipping on my yummy... water. Mmmmm. Ah! this is killing me!

Bowing out?

Silly, I know, but I feel like a quitter. Really it is ridiculous. After all, I signed up for a 60-day program and I've been on for 62 now. So it's not like I'm giving up. Right?
I guess I feel this way because my plan was to keep going until my needles ran out (14 more) since I still have a ton of hcg left. At BKi they offer a 20-day extension -- for an extra $300! Yeah, right. Not going that route. But apparently they believe the "immune" effect doesn't exist or apply because of their formula? Not sure exactly.
But I'm not getting the results. And I'm discouraged. And I miss food. ... that actually worries me a bit. Almost like I might need to be on the diet longer because I really want food? Ah! That is ridiculous. Isn't it?
AAAAAAaaarrrgghhhhh!!!!
I'm going crazy. And I feel like I'm not being a good example because of it. Not my intent. Sorry. I am seriously just terrified that as soon as I stop the diet I will balloon back out of control. I have no faith in myself that I can eat responsibly. None whatsoever.
That's pretty sad.

Day 23a

Weight: 142.0
Overnight: -0.2
Overall: -37.0

B: none
L: grilled sirloin, Wasa
D: a whole lot of dried apple slices


Seriously? -0.2? After all the time I spent in the bathroom yesterday (I know, TMI. Sorry) I was seriously expecting to drop 5 lbs! Yesterday I started taking my frozen castor oil pills - to help my colon heal. They told me if I froze them then they'd make it through the stomach acid intact and on to my colon so instead of acting as a laxative they'd act as a stimulant. Hmm, kinda sounds the same, doesn't it? Anyway, it sure did feel the same yesterday! I mean, dang.
Back to my original gripe - I thought for sure I'd go down more. At least I went down. I don't know. Maybe I am growing immune to the effects of the hcg. Maybe it's time to throw in the towel. I just REALLY wanted to make it down to the 30s before I quit. Ideally I'd have made it to the 20s, but clearly that isn't going to happen. Oh well. There are other ways to lose weight, right? Especially now that I have such a good head-start? I just feel ... cheated.

Mother's Day pix

Not the greatest pic, but oh well. You get the idea.





With my cute girls! (Hyrum was napping)

Day 22a

Weight: 142.2
Overnight: -0.8
Overall: -36.8

B: apple, a few cherry tomatoes
L: grilled chicken over salad w/ cherry tomatoes and WF Caesar dressing
S: Wasa
D: Heaven chicken, Wasa
S: apple


Still not sure what to think. Maybe the influx was because of the pudding? It didn't have that effect on me before, so I don't know. At least it went down. I am getting discouraged not getting as good of results.
HOWEVER,
yesterday was awesome! I sang in church, wore a dress size 10 that was pre-pregnancy Lacie, and EVERYONE went on and on about the song, the dress, the weight-loss, etc. Seriously, it was awesome. Biggest self-esteem boost I could ever have hoped for. Totally worth 2 months of not eating.
HOWEVER,
this morning I am starving! I've eaten an apple plus some tomatoes, where I don't normally even eat breakfast and I'm still sooooo hungry. Okay, maybe not sooooo hungry. Not starving. I just want to eat. Like I have the munchies or something. Hmmm --- weight gain + munchies --- wonder if this means I'm about to start my period???

Day 21a

Weight: 143.0
Overnight: +1.2
Overall: -36.0

B: none
L: apple
D:


Hmm. Not sure I want to comment. It's Mother's Day, after all.
I guess all I can say is that my indulgence with the choc. pudding last night was lovely. Not sure how 8oz of pudding turns into a 1.2lb weight gain, but whatever.

Proud

I'd just like to mention --
on my web browser's "most visited" tab, this blog now outranks Spider Solitaire. And yes, that is a major accomplishment. :)

Day 20a

Weight: 141.8
Overnight: +0.6
Overall: -36.2

B: apple
L: grilled chicken, roasted squash/zucchini, ff/sf pudding (not much, but still. shouldn't have)
D: roasted squash/zucchini, pudding - more than a little


This is getting annoying...
I'm annoyed...
...
Grrrr.

[Breathe]

Going to try to ignore it -- after I hurry and vent! : ) The thing is, on Thursday I went and got a colonic done. 1st ever. Ummm, yeah. That was an experience! When Mark asked what a colonic was I told him it was an enema that lasted 1.5 hrs. His eyes went wide & he started choking. Funny. Men can be such pansies. Anyway, I had it done because I've been plagued all my life by digestive problems. Call it Irritable Bowel if you will. But I was getting sick of it. And rather than doing a cleanse or a colonoscopy or whatever else, I chose this route.
I had to stop it early because it was getting too painful. Oddly enough, it was a good thing. They were able to diagnose my problem (TMI warning: a part of my colon was stretched out, making a subsequent part of the colon too small, so things would get blocked and built up until it HAD to push through, which would feel super fun!, and then I'd be fine again).
ANYHOO,
You'd think with such a "cleansing" I'd drop some weight??? You'd think. And I did Friday. Even when I ate that jell-o pudding (albeit sf/ff and counted it as my 2nd protein for the day). But then to gain?! Aargh! So mad. So, so mad.
And the worst part of it was that I was up late last night (as usual) & put together a breakfast casserole in the crock-pot. Oh my, it smelled soooo good. Eggs, cheese, ham... waaaaa!

Day 19a

Weight: 141.2
Overnight: -0.8
Overall: -37.8

B: apple
L:
D:


Feeling good today - physially, mentally. Had my counseling session with Jenny. We discussed ways to head off the negative cycle I get into. Interesting the part food plays in that cycle.