Round 2

Well... here we go again.
This time I'm starting 10 lbs heavier. Depressing. Interestingly, though, I don't have quite the same desperation as I remember feeling last time. Last time I wanted to die. Everything was dark and bleak with no hope of getting better. And then it did.
It's been a bit over 2 years since then. Obviously I've gained weight. But I've grown in others ways as well. My counselor, Jenny, got me through some seriously rough stuff. I went to Overeaters-Annonymous with Tracy, and that gave me lots of perspective. The major break-through was when I started reading the AARP manual. I learned that I am loved. Makes all the difference in the world.
Yes, I still have rough times. I mean, you don't get to 188 lbs without some issues going on. And I've had them. Plenty. Starting right after Jacob was born. Well, let me amend that. Starting right after I'd dropped 25 lbs in two weeks, after having Jacob. And then my world turned upside-down.
It hasn't been "right-ed." Not even close. In fact, things escalated almost out of control. Recently. But once again, I have support in my corner. And this time around I'm already starting with the knowledge that God loves me and wants me to be happy. That helps big time. And again, I have a counselor who is heaven-sent. Her name is Lillian, and I am so grateful for her. We have been meeting since April, and even she can see that I'm not the same person/wreck that I was. I can still spiral. I can still mess up. But I don't have the same... despair? Self-doubt? Not sure how to even describe it. But it is different. I am different.
Now back to the diet.
This time I went to a clinic in Utah, Absolute Weight Loss. MUCH cheaper (around $300 as opposed to the $1700 the first time. !!) The protocol outline is a bit different. At first I was really taken back by that. After researching I found it's pretty normal. And I'm okay doing kind-of a mixture of protocol plans of B-Ki, Absolute and stuff I've read on my own. Lisa sent me a plan where you eat 800 calories a day. Interesting.

Anyway.

Today is the end of Day 10 on protocol. I just finished some Heaven Chicken, wasa and a cherry Coke Zero. My new "staple." I will likely gain tomorrow, simply because I over-ate. I was so hungry today. I have appetite suppressants, but I'm trying not to take them every day. I need them to last. Anyway, this morning I had an apple. Then strawberries for lunch. Then steak w/ salsa. Then a Coke. Then a few more strawberries and a little watermelon. Then the Heaven Chicken, wasa and a final Coke. Not a lot of water, though, as I'm typing this I figure I'd better go drink some.
Just a sec...

Guzzled 16.9 oz. And I still need to take my P.M. pills. Wow, I am going to have to pee tonight!

Anyhoo, another cheat I've been doing is drinking flavored water - Fruit-2-o. It has no calories and no sugar, but I feel guilty all the same. Still, it helps me drink more water so maybe that evens it out???
The most interesting bit so far is that on days 5 & 6 I sorta cheated HUGE. As in 2 McDonald's chicken sandwiches on night, 2 slices of pizza the next. Huge. But I only "spit ate" them. New thing. Came from Tess, who originally got it from me. Years ago I was trying to watch my eating and had a beautiful chocolate cake in the house. I wanted to eat it soooooo much, but obviously knew that was a bad idea. So I took a bite, chewed it, savored it, then spit it out. I "ate" the entire cake that way. Sounds a little mental. Whatever. I commented about it on Molly's blog once and Tess happened to see it. She now practices that on a regular basis. I even did it with her this trip to Utah. For some reason you feel horrible about doing it -- like you're covering a secret like bulimia or something. But really, I don't see anything wrong with it. Still, I'm not advertising.
So anyway, that's how I cheated with the sandwiches and pizza. Oh, and also a bologna sandwich. Mmmm. I'll admit, I did purge after the chicken and bologna. But not really anything came back up, so I figured I was fairly safe with the pizza, and didn't.
Other things I've tried: tuna, tilapia. On the tuna I went up the next day, so I'm not doing that anymore. The tilapia was just fine - I just need to learn to cook it better so it actually tastes good!
I haven't been doing chicken. I need to. I've done turkey burger meatballs, though turkey is supposed to be off-limits. No one really knows why, though, and it has less fat than beef. So I eat it anyway. I'm also doing a whole body cleanse. It's out of a box. And it's 2 years expired, so I don't know how effective it is. Basically lots of pills to take along with the NASTIEST morning mix I have ever tasted. Dis-gus-ting! Truly. Honestly, I don't know that it's making all that much of an impact. The night of the pizza cheat I did have diarrhea like crazy. Horrible. Especially since I was at Wal-mart at the time. Oy. But it made for a nice weight drop, and then... nothing. Pretty disappointing, actually.
Right. Well, it's late and I should get on with this. I'm going to document the daily weigh-ins, and then I'll keep up regularly like I did last time. I have a nifty little app that helps me track the hCG diet, or I'd have done this all along. After reading through the first round, though, I feel like it was a really good idea to document. So I'm gonna.

Official start weight (from clinic): 188.1
Loading days: spent in the car, driving back to TX from UT. Basically pigged out on candybars. Gained a couple pounds.
Day 1: 190.4
Day 2: 188
Day 3: 185.2
Day 4: 184
Day 5: 183.4
Day 6: 181.8
Day 7: 179.8
Day 8: 179.2
Day 9: 179
Day 10: 178
Total weight loss: 10.1 lbs

Okay, I guess. But considering I only have hCG for 40 days, and I have 10 lbs more to lose than last time, I had better kick it into high gear.
Not sure how...