for something else

Day 20

Weight: 173.0
Overnight: -1.8
Overall: -15.1

Not bad! Very happy to see that drop.
I need to be better about posting each day. Reading back through last round's posts is so helpful for me. Right now I'm about where I was at day 5 last round. It's helpful to read what was going on then or see what size I was at what point, etc. One thing I noticed reading through is how hungry I always was. It's pretty sad to read, actually. This time around I have an appetite suppressant Rx. I'm trying not to take them unless I absolutely need it. I want to have them when I need it at the end.
I'm going to quickly summarize what's been going on the last few days--
I had some disappointing weigh-ins: 175.6, 175.8, 175.6, 174.8 --- now 173.0. Better. But frustrating for a while there! Of course, I also just started my period 2 days ago, so I wonder if that contributes. It has to, right? Isn't that how women's bodies are? -- designed to work against us? :(
I've also found some satisfying recipes. I now boil chicken for the broth, add spices, and it's actually decent "soup." And if I pull the chicken out, I can save it for something else later. I like to dice it up and put it in with spinach, chopped celery and lemon juice. Lots tastier than it sounds, lol.
I'm also getting better at my Heaven Chicken. Oh, and my latest thing is that I have been eating fatfree cottage cheese w/ stevia on top for my protein. Seriously tasty. And quick and easy. I'm thinking it's better for me to eat something than nothing. I don't think skipping seems to help. Maybe it does. Who knows? But instead of waiting so long that I just end up skipping lunch, I grab the cottage cheese (3.5 oz) and it's perfect.

Day 12

Weight: 177.8
Overnight: -0.2
Overall: -10.3

Apple day.
Sucks.
Babysat for the Montezes.
They brought pizza.
Waaaa.

Day 11

Weight: 178.0
Overnight: 0.0
Overall: -10.1

Boo hoo.
Not like I didn't know this was coming. Or shouldn't just count myself lucky that it didn't go up. But can you blame a girl for hoping?

Today's eating was a bit better. Tastier. I had taco seasoned ground turkey over spinach leaves with diced tomatoes. I tried it before, and while nice, just made me miss ketchup. So this time I busted out my 2-yr-old Walton Farms FF/SF ketchup. Hmmm. Wouldn't eat it on much, but on this it worked! TASTY! TASTY! Add that to my Heaven Chicken tonight (which I did a MUCH better job of preparing), and today was pretty great. Sure, I still had cravings. And my usual cherry Coke zero.s. And lots of sugarless gum. But I also didn't take the appetite suppressant, and haven't for a while. I figure I need to save them up. Also, Tracy came over and I talked to her about how to properly cook tilapia. Phew! Needed that! So hopefully tomorrow I can do a good job of that.

Must admit, I'm a little down about not having spectacular results. I know. I haven't been exactly absolute with the diet plan. But I'm still wearing the same pants. Same shirts. They're still unflatteringly tight. Tracy says she can see a definite change and difference -- that I don't look as "puffy." I'll admit I do think she's right. And my undies are fitting differently. And instead of one massive blob of a stomach I now have the 2 snowman bulges. Thing is, I'm now where I started out last time around. Eek. That's after losing 10 lbs! And I'm also more than 1/4 through. If I'm going to get back to where I was last time (and last time I went much longer than 40 days), I need to crank up the loss. But how? I'll go crazy if I can only eat chard or onion as my vegetable. Beets? Radishes? No thanks. I really need to experiment with the asparagus, it just intimidates me a bit. Grrrr.

Round 2

Well... here we go again.
This time I'm starting 10 lbs heavier. Depressing. Interestingly, though, I don't have quite the same desperation as I remember feeling last time. Last time I wanted to die. Everything was dark and bleak with no hope of getting better. And then it did.
It's been a bit over 2 years since then. Obviously I've gained weight. But I've grown in others ways as well. My counselor, Jenny, got me through some seriously rough stuff. I went to Overeaters-Annonymous with Tracy, and that gave me lots of perspective. The major break-through was when I started reading the AARP manual. I learned that I am loved. Makes all the difference in the world.
Yes, I still have rough times. I mean, you don't get to 188 lbs without some issues going on. And I've had them. Plenty. Starting right after Jacob was born. Well, let me amend that. Starting right after I'd dropped 25 lbs in two weeks, after having Jacob. And then my world turned upside-down.
It hasn't been "right-ed." Not even close. In fact, things escalated almost out of control. Recently. But once again, I have support in my corner. And this time around I'm already starting with the knowledge that God loves me and wants me to be happy. That helps big time. And again, I have a counselor who is heaven-sent. Her name is Lillian, and I am so grateful for her. We have been meeting since April, and even she can see that I'm not the same person/wreck that I was. I can still spiral. I can still mess up. But I don't have the same... despair? Self-doubt? Not sure how to even describe it. But it is different. I am different.
Now back to the diet.
This time I went to a clinic in Utah, Absolute Weight Loss. MUCH cheaper (around $300 as opposed to the $1700 the first time. !!) The protocol outline is a bit different. At first I was really taken back by that. After researching I found it's pretty normal. And I'm okay doing kind-of a mixture of protocol plans of B-Ki, Absolute and stuff I've read on my own. Lisa sent me a plan where you eat 800 calories a day. Interesting.

Anyway.

Today is the end of Day 10 on protocol. I just finished some Heaven Chicken, wasa and a cherry Coke Zero. My new "staple." I will likely gain tomorrow, simply because I over-ate. I was so hungry today. I have appetite suppressants, but I'm trying not to take them every day. I need them to last. Anyway, this morning I had an apple. Then strawberries for lunch. Then steak w/ salsa. Then a Coke. Then a few more strawberries and a little watermelon. Then the Heaven Chicken, wasa and a final Coke. Not a lot of water, though, as I'm typing this I figure I'd better go drink some.
Just a sec...

Guzzled 16.9 oz. And I still need to take my P.M. pills. Wow, I am going to have to pee tonight!

Anyhoo, another cheat I've been doing is drinking flavored water - Fruit-2-o. It has no calories and no sugar, but I feel guilty all the same. Still, it helps me drink more water so maybe that evens it out???
The most interesting bit so far is that on days 5 & 6 I sorta cheated HUGE. As in 2 McDonald's chicken sandwiches on night, 2 slices of pizza the next. Huge. But I only "spit ate" them. New thing. Came from Tess, who originally got it from me. Years ago I was trying to watch my eating and had a beautiful chocolate cake in the house. I wanted to eat it soooooo much, but obviously knew that was a bad idea. So I took a bite, chewed it, savored it, then spit it out. I "ate" the entire cake that way. Sounds a little mental. Whatever. I commented about it on Molly's blog once and Tess happened to see it. She now practices that on a regular basis. I even did it with her this trip to Utah. For some reason you feel horrible about doing it -- like you're covering a secret like bulimia or something. But really, I don't see anything wrong with it. Still, I'm not advertising.
So anyway, that's how I cheated with the sandwiches and pizza. Oh, and also a bologna sandwich. Mmmm. I'll admit, I did purge after the chicken and bologna. But not really anything came back up, so I figured I was fairly safe with the pizza, and didn't.
Other things I've tried: tuna, tilapia. On the tuna I went up the next day, so I'm not doing that anymore. The tilapia was just fine - I just need to learn to cook it better so it actually tastes good!
I haven't been doing chicken. I need to. I've done turkey burger meatballs, though turkey is supposed to be off-limits. No one really knows why, though, and it has less fat than beef. So I eat it anyway. I'm also doing a whole body cleanse. It's out of a box. And it's 2 years expired, so I don't know how effective it is. Basically lots of pills to take along with the NASTIEST morning mix I have ever tasted. Dis-gus-ting! Truly. Honestly, I don't know that it's making all that much of an impact. The night of the pizza cheat I did have diarrhea like crazy. Horrible. Especially since I was at Wal-mart at the time. Oy. But it made for a nice weight drop, and then... nothing. Pretty disappointing, actually.
Right. Well, it's late and I should get on with this. I'm going to document the daily weigh-ins, and then I'll keep up regularly like I did last time. I have a nifty little app that helps me track the hCG diet, or I'd have done this all along. After reading through the first round, though, I feel like it was a really good idea to document. So I'm gonna.

Official start weight (from clinic): 188.1
Loading days: spent in the car, driving back to TX from UT. Basically pigged out on candybars. Gained a couple pounds.
Day 1: 190.4
Day 2: 188
Day 3: 185.2
Day 4: 184
Day 5: 183.4
Day 6: 181.8
Day 7: 179.8
Day 8: 179.2
Day 9: 179
Day 10: 178
Total weight loss: 10.1 lbs

Okay, I guess. But considering I only have hCG for 40 days, and I have 10 lbs more to lose than last time, I had better kick it into high gear.
Not sure how...

Ummm?

Anyone else experiencing hair loss? Like, a LOT of hair loss?
It reminds me of after you've had a baby and after having your hair look so awesome during pregnancy, it all falls out. Makes me wonder, since it is the HCG hormone, is that why my hair is literally falling out at an alarming rate? Or do I need to be really worried?

Checking in

LIW: 138.4
Weight: 138.8


Weight is up from 137.6 yesterday, and 136.4 the day before. Clearly not a good trend, but I'm not TOO worried yet. I totally over-did it last week. Not just food-wise. I pulled 2 back-to-back all-nighters, and I'm sure that has to do damage somehow. Then yesterday I ate a kind of a lot of sweets. Hmmm, that's weird to me since it wasn't NEARLY as much as I normally would have eaten. I stopped after eating just 1 cookie after church (from the usual Father's day plate), then later I made oatmeal raisin cookie dough and had a couple spoon-fuls, and finally, 3 of those orange candy slices. I realize that is a lot... now. But I've never had the mentality before of treating yourself to just ONE cookie at the end of the day, maybe once a week. One cookie was like nothing to me. I'd eat them like potato chips. And I ate potato chips in an unhealthy way as well! Yeah, I know - it's a mystery how I gained so much weight, right? :)
Anyway, it's really a big wake-up call at how much work I still have left to do to re-program. I just wish I had a realistic idea of what healthy is. And realistic healthy at that. Anyone know? Anyone?

M9

LIW: 138.2
Weight: 138.8
Overnight: 0.0


Well, it seems all those apples didn't count against me. Good thing. I think the painful gas & bloating was/is punishment enough!

M8

LIW: 138.2
Weight: 138.8
Overnight: -0.2


I think I just figured something out. I've been stressing all day over how crappy I feel. I thought I waaaaayyyy over-did it last night. But then I went down on the scale. I considered doing a steak day just in case, but then I was too hungry. Then I decided I was feeling bloaty and munchy and craving chocolate because I'm probably close to starting my period. So all day I've been trying to not eat a lot. I finished the stuff I gorged myself on last night - a squash/zucchini/tomato & corn saute w/ cheese. Maybe 1 cup worth. Then I set in on the Xocai. Ate 6. Felt like a criminal. Mind you, these "chocolates" are made with agave nectar, so the sugar isn't refined - it's actually diabetic friendly - even helpful. And it has more antioxidants than I could get eating only broccoli for the next 2 weeks. So it's not like they're bad. They're not. But they taste good. And they have some calories. So I feel guilty. So then I start in on the dried apple pieces. And keep going. And going. And going. Until I finally realized tonight that in a little more than 24 hrs I have consumed an entire #10-can's worth of dried apples. That's the equivalent of 4.5 lbs fresh, sliced apples. Uhhh...

So I'm an idiot.

I couldn't figure out why I was cramping so bad, but not in a menstrual way. Or why I was having such gas pain. Or why I'm constantly running to the bathroom.
Duh.

I did some online research. Turns out there are a lot of people wondering if it's possible to eat too many apples. The general consensus is "no," but you may get a stomach-ache from all the acids and tannins. And lots of gas. And diarrhea.

...

I'm an idiot.

Blasted

Man! Did it again. I over-ate. Not like I'm eating horrible junk - I'm just still eating too much. I eat until I hurt, and even then I still want to eat more!
Ah! How do I temper this? I like food. I really, really like food. And I'm totally getting the munchies. And I can't wait to start eating carbs again. Did I fail on this? Is my hypothalamus still out of whack? Or am I causing it to stay out of whack? I hate the idea that I may be sabotaging my success. Wouldn't be the first time.

M7

LIW: 138.2
Weight: 139.0
Overnight: 0.0/+0.6


Well that's good. Last night, which was actually early this morning, I had a pretty hefty meal. Of course, I didn't eat all that much during the day, so I figured it'd be okay. Interesting - I ate a salad yesterday. A LOT of salad. You know those Fresh Express bags of Caesar Salad? Yup. Minus the croutons I ate the entire thing. All by myself. Whole thing. Of course, I wasn't able to eat for quite a while after that. And then I ended up spending a good deal of my day in the bathroom. Something I don't quite understand - before the diet (and now I guess after as well) when I'd eat a lot of salad I'd need to stay close to the potty. During the diet that wasn't the case. At all. And I was eating salads almost the entire 1st half. And now I'm back to like it was before. Weird.

M6

LIW: 138.2
Weight: 139.0/138.4
Overnight: +1.4/+0.8


Ummm, again, confusing. Once again a shower rinses off more than odor! So I don't know what is really accurate, but I don't really care. I was prepared for another steak day today. Not because I cheated or anything. Just, last night I ate too much. It was only soup and salad, but I still ate too much. I could feel it. I really want to be careful and watch it with that. I don't want to lose that sensitivity from my body when I've had enough. Honestly, I have to re-train myself. It's crazy. But I also need to do this for my kids' sake as well. I don't want them to have to go through this when they're older!

M5

LIW: 138.2
Weight: 137.6
Overnight: -0.2


Uhhhh.... don't know how that happened. Seriously. Yesterday I didn't eat a whole lot, because I knew I was taking Mark out for his birthday. And I hadn't really decided whether or not I was going to cheat... until I looked at the menu! I was still really good - didn't eat breading, didn't overeat, but then I had dessert. Chocolate PB pie. And some of Mark's Vanilla bean cheesecake. "Some" being maybe 1/3? hehe.
Anyway, I even made a trip to the market afterwards to buy steak in preparation for my inevitable steak day, and possibly 2 steak days.
And yet I went down? This diet is so confusing. Anyway, I still intend to repent and be good. But yeah, that was weird.

M4

LIW: 138.2
Weight: 137.8
Overnight: -0.4


Well, that's good. Going down. I checked my calories yesterday and I had indeed done better - even after consuming 4 servings of the SF/FF choc pudding again! This time I was just smarter in my spreading meals out so I wasn't stuffing myself. Tried listening to my stomach instead of my tongue. I realized I really have a problem with wanting to finish what's on my plate/bowl/etc. If it's there, I feel like I should be able to eat it. Starting to think maybe we should invest in smaller dishes. I mean, our 11" dinner plates really don't encourage smaller portions. Actually, I went to a child nutrition seminar once where they talked about this very thing. They were saying the daily amount of juice kids should drink is 6 oz, yet we give them 16 oz tumblers. Of course they're going to feel cheated if we don't fill it up. And going back to Mary's mom's motto: presentation is everything.
Hmmm, maybe I need to visit Ikea? :)

Pix

Okay, because I've been feeling down I figured it was time for another quick pic-me-up.










Whoa. I feel better. You?

M3

LIW: 138.2
Weight: 138.2
Overnight: -1.4


Okay, was I supposed to lose the 2.2 lbs? or just drop to my LIW? Don't get me wrong - I'm glad I at least dropped! Especially after how crappy I felt last night. ... But I thought I'd lose the 2+ I had gained. :(
So I'm also confused on calories. Now I know why I've never bothered counting them before - it's too dang difficult! First I listed everything I'd eaten. Then I looked at serving sizes & calories on the packages and added them up. But some things didn't have that on the package. So I went online and found a calorie-counting tracker thingy. I put everything in, but suddenly my calories were WAY higher than what I'd calculated. I was still surprised at the 2.2 gain, but still. So which one do I go with? Aargh. And I didn't even eat junk. The worst was the choc. pudding, and that was SF and FF! Good grief! I'm really discouraged to think about how little "real" food I should eat when all this is over. Heavens! No wonder I was overweight!

M2

LIW: 138.2
Weight: 139.6
Overnight: +2.2 (!!)


Oops.
Oops.
Double oops.
Apparently I kinda sorta maybe a little bit over-did it yesterday... I guess.
Oops.
I started out doing so well. My downfall was that stinkin' pudding! I made some of that FF/SF choc pudding with the intent of eating it after dinner. Thing is, I was already full from dinner. But I just had it in my head that I was going to get to eat my pudding. And then I thought it would be yummier w/ a banana sliced into it. And then I decided I couldn't get enough. Even though my stomach was literally HURTING the whole time. So stupid.

-

Okay, so the upside of this is that I get to eat a huge steak tonight. Downside is that I'm STARVING in the meantime! Blast!

-

Sooooooo, the paper said to eat a "huge" steak. I took it at it's word. Huge. Now I feel bloated and yucky and awful.
If I go up tomorrow...

M1

LIW: 138.2
Weight: 137.2
Overnight: +1.0


Well, I figured it was some kind of fluke yesterday! Nice though. But I'm okay with the gain. Somehow I don't actually think it will last. Yesterday I didn't really eat until dinner, and then I over-did it. And I felt it. I don't want to do that again. Even this morning - it didn't take much at all for me to feel full. Stuffed, really. So I'm going to be careful not to do that.
However,
I have read (from Pounds & Inches) that this is not the time to try to skimp on calories. Right now is when my body is establishing my metabolism - how many calories to burn per day. If I skimp right now I'll be setting my "burn rate" pretty low. Then if I don't keep it low I'll gain. On the other hand, if I am reasonable, as long as I don't go over the 2 lbs, then I'll be establishing a calorie/day that I can continue and live with -- my best chance to keep this weight off.

BTW, I'm taking a cue from Marilyn and not listing my food - on here anyway. I think that would be too mean to anyone on protocol. But I am going to try really hard to keep track of calories. Not sure yet how I'll manage that. We'll see.

B-Ki

Just got back from B-Ki. They gave me an appt even without scheduling. Gotta say, the ladies there are really nice. I really like Heather. She's been on the diet - about the same schedule I was on. She was really helpful and really encouraging.
Anyway, final tally for inches lost is 64.5"!! Of course, that's cumulative -- measuring in 13 different areas: neck, arm, axilla, rib cage, above belly-button, below bb, hips, butt, upper thigh, mid thigh, knee, calf, & ankle.
So to be more accurate, I asked them for a copy of the measurement page. Here are the results:

Area/Before/After:

Neck: 14.5 - 12.5
Arm: 14.5 - 10.5
Axilla: 39 - 33.5
Rib Cage: 35 - 30.5
Above BB: 40 - 30
Below BB: 43 - 39.5
At BB: 41 - 32
Hips: 47 - 41.5
Butt: 43.5 - 41.5
Upper Thigh: 28 - 22.5
Mid Thigh: 23 - 19
Knee: 20 - 14.5
Calf: 16 - 13.5
Ankle: 9.5 - 8

Total lost 64.5"!!

I will have to post my pre- and post- swimsuit pics soon. Maybe I should go tanning first? :)

Day 36a

Weight: 136.4
Overnight: -1.8
Overall: -42.6

B: none
L: apple
S: dried apple bites
D: grilled chicken (more than 100g, but I don't know how much), cooked broccoli (more than a cup, not sure how much)
*had 6 Xocai today


Uhhh, don't know where that came from!! But I'll sure take it!
Last day of protocol. Yay! And soooo grateful to go down on the last day. Almost makes me want to reconsider going a little longer? ...haha, almost. Going to try to get in at B-Ki today. I'm not even going to call - I'll just pop in. Every time I've been there they're not doing anything, so hey, might as well!
Really, really grateful for all the support and encouragement I've received. I honestly don't think this is a diet/journey that can or should be accomplished on your own. It's too hard. There's too much emotional baggage that goes along with it. I'm almost glad I didn't know that when I started -- I might have been too chicken to start. And regardless of what happens now, I'm really glad I did this. Almost 43 lbs! Actually, more than that - I know on here I start from 179, but really I was up to 181 a couple days before.
That said...
I'm excited to start maintenance tomorrow! Hooray! I miss CHEESE!